By: John Harris
Recently, a bipartisan senate subcommittee convened to discuss serious concerns lawmakers had in regard to a popular M&M ‘s candy commercial that has been airing each holiday season since 1996, in which two large, anthropomorphic M&M ‘s meet Santa Claus. The following is a transcript of the minutes from the hearing:
[The M&M ‘s commercial featuring Santa Claus is screened for the subcommittee.]
Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA): All right, that was the commercial in question. I will now open the floor to a statement from Mr. Roberts, who first brought this piece of advertising to Congress ‘ attention. Mr. Roberts.
Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KA): Thank you, senator. As I certainly don ‘t have to tell you after having seen that, the world presented in this commercial is a confusing and frightening one for many reasons. However, the most upsetting question this advertisement raises lies in the fact that the large, anthropomorphic M&M ‘s candies are presenting Santa Claus with a bowl filled with smaller red and green M&M ‘s. It must be asked: what are these smaller M&M ‘s to the larger, clearly sentient M&M ‘s? What I mean is, how do the smaller M&M ‘s relate to the larger candy men, in a physiological sense? Are they something they excrete or ‘lay” [Sen. Roberts performs air quotes with fingers] if you will, as a chicken or other bird lays eggs? Is this the equivalent of, for example, a human presenting a bowl of his own semen to Saint Nicholas? Or worse, his own undeveloped children? Whatever the case may be, it does seem evident that however it is these candy men reproduce, the smaller candies in the bowl factor into it in some way. And as a moral, Christian, American citizen, I feel compelled to say that I ‘m opposed to the candy men offering up their own progeny or genetic material to another species for consumption. What will the young people of this country think when they see this? That it is okay to give their fetuses or newborn babies to a bear, so that the bear might eat them? Thank you.
Sen. Boxer: Thank you, Senator. We will now open the floor to general questions. The chair recognizes Mr. Schumer.
Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY): In your analogy, would the bear be Bear Santa Claus? In other words, would the bear being offered human babies be considered by other bears to be the equivalent of our Santa Claus?
Sen. Roberts: Yes. My apologies, I should have made that clear.
Sen. Boxer: The chair recognizes Mr. Vitter.
Sen. David Vitter (R-LA): Do these candy men have internal organs? Brains and hearts and so forth? How do their bodies work?
Sen. Roberts: Other commercials featuring the bipedal M&M ‘s seem to indicate that they are made purely of chocolate ‘I refer you to ads in which the M&M men attend parties with humans where, confusingly, some people have befriended them, and some people wish to consume them. In one of the most recent examples, the smaller, red M&M man is duped by a brown, female M&M of his own kind into going home with a human woman who he believes wants to have sexual intercourse with him, but who in actuality wishes to eat him. But more to your question, their anatomy remains somewhat of a mystery.
Sen. Vitter: But they have penises, these candy men? They have sexual urges, and are attracted to human women?
Sen. Roberts: Again, their methods of procreation and sexuality remain unclear. But they do seem to have some notion of the workings of human copulation, and it appears to be their downfall.
Sen. Boxer: The chair recognizes Senator Paul.
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY): Is it okay to be sexually attracted to the brown lady M&M?
Sen. Roberts: No.
Sen. Boxer: No, absolutely not.
Sen. Paul: I cede the rest of my time to the floor. Thank you.
Sen. Boxer: The chair recognizes Mr. Schumer.
Sen. Schumer: You ‘re framing this as a question of morality, from the point of view of the candy men. But perhaps in their culture, offering your children or semen up as a treat is a sign of respect, or a gesture of friendship?
Sen. Roberts: I put it to you, senator, that the M&M men seem to share our values in regards to the Judeo-Christian traditions of Christmas, and also have a nuanced enough understanding of our culture and language to use certain colloquialisms and express sarcasm. To that end, I feel they should be held accountable to the human idea that to allow your children or zygotes or what have you to be eaten by another species is disgusting and perhaps even criminal.
Sen. Boxer: The chair notes that Mr. Roberts has made an excellent point. The chair recognizes Mr. Vitter.
Sen. Vitter: To Senator Schumer ‘s point regarding their culture, how have these candy men entered the country? Is this also an immigration matter?
Sen. Roberts: In view of the available evidence, it is difficult to conclude otherwise. I propose we draft legislation to create a special congressional task force with the authority to detain these M&M ‘s so that we may learn more about them and whether they ‘re having any undue negative effects on the American job market ‘in other words, are these candy men who wish to feed their children ‘
Sen. Paul: Or their semen.
Sen. Roberts: ‘or their semen to Santa Claus, one of our most revered cultural institutions, also illegally living and working here?
Sen. Boxer: Thank you, Mr. Roberts. I will now close the floor to questions. We will reconvene on this matter in one week ‘s time, as well as on the matter of the anthropomorphic scientist hamsters in the Kia commercial who accidentally create a sexy lady hamster from a regular non-anthropomorphic hamster using electricity. Good night.