By: Jon Bershad
Ugh. I ‘m starting to think I should just stop working on my screenplay, ‘Two Hours of Kim Jong-un Getting Fucked in the Face and then Dying. ‘ It ‘s shaping up to be a wonderful script, but it ‘s grown pretty clear by now that it just won ‘t be worth the effort. And, let me tell you, I am not happy about this.
I don ‘t know what the worst part of this is. Maybe it ‘s the fact that I ‘ll have to admit I was wrong to a whole lot of people. You may be surprised, but many of my friends have been telling me that I shouldn ‘t write ‘Two Hours of Kim Jong-un Getting Fucked in the Face and then Dying. ‘ They said they didn ‘t see the point, that I could never sell it, and that it ‘barely sounds like a movie.” And I ‘ve been confidently claiming that I ‘d prove them all wrong. Now, here I am, with as much egg on my face as the Kim Jong-un of my screenplay has cock on his, starting on page one and continuing all the way until the end where he dies.
And that ‘s the thing. It ‘s not just my dignity I ‘m losing. It ‘s months and months of hard work. Some people think that, just because the movie will be 99% one action repeated over and over again (that action being Kim Jong-un getting fucked in the face), that writing the script would be easy. No! I didn ‘t just churn out three sentences of stage direction on a script page and call it a day. I ‘ve spent tons of time coming up with the perfect descriptions of HOW Kim Jong-un ‘s face gets fucked, choosing the different STYLES of face fucking that will be used, and keeping myself up at night debating the different ORDER of face fuck moments that best tells the story I want to tell (that being the story of how Kim Jong-un ‘s face gets fucked for two hours and then he dies).
And there are personal stakes here, too. I hate giving up on anything. Not to sound foolish, but my daddy didn ‘t raise a quitter. In fact, my father taught me that quitting was the worst thing a man could do. It ‘s partly why I took his eventual divorce from my mother so hard. Well, here I am, 19 years later, throwing out my screenplay when I haven ‘t even finished the sentence ‘The cock, rubbed raw from an hour and 48 minutes of fucking Kim Jong-un ‘s face, then withdraws 78% of the way out of Kim Jong-un ‘s mouth, and ‘”
And what? And what? No one will know because I ‘m a quitter who ‘s never going to finish that sentence. Or any of the sentences that would have followed it on the rest of page 107.
You know, I thought I was going to change the world with this film. With this piece of art. But now, thanks to some stupid hacker terrorists, I ‘m just throwing in the towel. The towel that would have been used to wipe up the cum from all over Kim Jong-un ‘s face.
Man, I hadn ‘t even gotten far enough to decide how Kim Jong-un was gonna die at the end. I was leaning toward octopus attack.