By: Pat O'Brien
Santa vs. Satan: Who Had The Better Year?
2014 was a rough year. Between ongoing racial unrest at home, violence and disease abroad, and widespread disillusionment in once-trusted public figures and institutions, this year has boasted more than its fair share of evil stuff. But there were also good things! Including increased access to health care, significant achievements in science and technology, and lots of good TV shows. With the year winding down and the holidays upon us, now seems like the perfect time to explore ‘Who had the better year: Santa or Satan?”
| The NFL | From increased scrutiny over concussions to the disturbing cover-up of Ray Rice brutally punching out his girlfriend in an elevator, the National Football League did Satan proud this year (though he does find the name ‘Redskins” very offensive, for obvious reasons). | Point: Satan |
| The Rise of Taylor Swift | She takes on many forms and lots of people worship her in secret. Sound familiar? | Point: Satan |
| Leaked Celebrity Nudes | No contest here: The devil had his disgusting, lotion-covered paws all over this one. Worst of all, Mrs. Claus even walked in on Santa polishing his candy cane to a particularly X-rated pic of Kate Upton (you know the one). | Satan again |
| Uber Car Service | This year, the popular ride-sharing app changed the way we get around ‘ which is bad news for those who travel by sleigh! It ‘s also bad news for those who don ‘t like outrageous surge pricing and vicious hammer attacks. | You guessed it: Satan |
| Racially Motivated Police Brutality & Murder | Lots of new recruits for hell this year!  Future residents of hell NYPD Officer Daniel Pantaleo and Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson |
Point: Satan |
| Ebola | Though Santa was probably very proud of the healthcare professionals around the world who worked tirelessly to treat patients infected with the virus, we can ‘t ignore the fact that thousands of people still bled out of their anus and died. Satan totally gets off on that shit. | Santa had better move his fat ass-point: Satan |
| Bill Cosby Rape Allegations | Let ‘s just hope Santa never drank any of the milk left out at the Cosby house. | ‘RU-DY!” I mean ‘SA-TAN!” |
| Marijuana | Though it was once known as ‘The Devil ‘s Weed,” increasing acceptance of marijuana for medical and recreational use is actually a huge victory for Santa Claus ‘ because you know Kris Kringle be blazin ‘ up! |
Point: Santa |
THE NFL
From increased scrutiny over concussions to the disturbing cover-up of Ray Rice brutally punching out his girlfriend in an elevator, the National Football League did Satan proud this year (though he does find the name ‘Redskins” very offensive, for obvious reasons).
POINT: SATAN
THE RISE OF TAYLOR SWIFT
She takes on many forms and lots of people worship her in secret. Sound familiar?.
POINT: SATAN
LEAKED CELEBRITY NUDES
No contest here: The devil had his disgusting, lotion-covered paws all over this one. Worst of all, Mrs. Claus even walked in on Santa polishing his candy cane to a particularly X-rated pic of Kate Upton (you know the one).
SATAN AGAIN
UBER CAR SERVICE
This year, the popular ride-sharing app changed the way we get around ‘ which is bad news for those who travel by sleigh! It ‘s also bad news for those who don ‘t like outrageous surge pricing and vicious hammer attacks.
YOU GUESSED IT: SATAN
RACIALLY-MOTIVATED POLICE BRUTALITY AND MURDER
Lots of new recruits for hell this year!
Future residents of hell NYPD Officer Daniel Pantaleo and Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson
POINT: SATAN
EBOLA
Though Santa was probably very proud of the healthcare professionals around the world who worked tirelessly to treat patients infected with the virus, we can ‘t ignore the fact that thousands of people still bled out of their anus and died. Satan totally gets off on that shit.
SANTA HAD BETTER MOVE HIS FAT ASS – POINT: SATAN
BILL COSBY RAPE ALLEGATIONS
Let ‘s just hope Santa never drank any of the milk left out at the Cosby house.
‘RU-DY!” I mean ‘SA-TAN!”
MARIJUANA
Though it was once known as ‘The Devil ‘s Weed,” increasing acceptance of marijuana for medical and recreational use is actually a huge victory for Santa Claus ‘ because you know Kris Kringle be blazin ‘ up!
POINT: SANTA
So there you have it: The clear winner is ‘ SANTA CLAUS!
Now, I know what you ‘re thinking; ‘Satan got way more points than Santa Claus ‘ how did Santa still win?” How does Santa do anything? He ‘s MAGIC, SON! That and he ‘s blazed out of his MIND.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND A MERRY 4:20, KID!
