By: Ben Wietmarschen
Yesterday ‘s news of Sony pulling The Interview fucking sucked. It sucks on so many levels and it sucked for the present and for the future of America, free speech, and the art that is made in this country. But if the whole incident does anything for us, it will be what every other attack against American free speech has done, turn us into a big fat frothing, singing, freedom-loving mass. It ‘s great when the population, not the heads of big corporations or government officials, join together and agree on something for once in our lives.
That seems to be what ‘s happening here. North Korea has challenged one of our freedoms that we hold very dear (seeing OK movies about whatever we want) and now we ‘re gonna get together and be super American. A perfect example of this will happen this weekend at the Alamo Drafthouse in Dallas/Ft. Worth when they show Team America instead of the previously scheduled premiere of The Interview.
They plan on having a bunch of extra patriotic features for the showing as well, like subtitles for the songs encouraging the audience to sing along and shout ‘America! Fuck Yeah!”; American flags; and red, white, and blue streamers. No one asked me, but I have a few ideas on how they could really up the patriotism (Local theater owners, feel free to use these ideas, but please credit me. Very un-American to steal others ‘ work/ideas):
-Have everyone recite the Pledge of Allegiance in a very serious tone before the movie starts.
-Have a live bald eagle take tickets in its big old beak (they can be trained).
-Serve only hot dogs at the concession stand.
-Have a baseball game and the NFL RedZone channel play on large screens on each side of the movie screen.
-Lite beer for everyone!
-Download a pirated script of The Interview from the internet and have men and women all dressed differently but also covered in gold jewelry act out the entire movie.
-Just in case something comes up where someone has to do a complicated math problem, make that not allowed.
-Show The Interview in the Horrible Bosses 2 theater.
Update: Apparently the Team America screenings have been cancelled too. Paramount doesn ‘t seem to want to get involved. So I guess the terrorists won twice.