By: News

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Now That Cuba’s Opening Up, It’s Time To Get Elian Gonzalez In One Direction

History was made this month as United States President Barack Obama announced that the US would resume diplomatic relations with Cuba. This is huge. The US will have a Cuban embassy. American businesses can invest in Cuba, and send money to relatives there. And what we have all longed for can finally come to pass: Eli ‘n Gonz ‘lez can join One Direction.

Reasons why Eli ‘n Gonz ‘lez should join One Direction

  • World peace, dummy.
  • He is the same age as them.
  • I can just tell he and Harry would click, you know?
  • He could teach them about collective bargaining so they do not get taken advantage of by record companies.
  • The beautiful singing voice I am sure he possesses.
  • Have you seen Eli ‘n lately? Ringy ding ding. Talk about the Red Menace. This red is menacing something all right – my virginity.

  • So much has gone wrong in the 14 years since 6-year-old Eli ‘n left our shores. If he had remained in Florida, moved to England, gone on Britain ‘s Got Talent, and been put in One Direction by Simon Cowell, would 9/11 still have happened? We ‘ll never know. We can only protect the future, by adding him to One Direction.
  • As amazing as 1D is with five members, who ‘s to say it wouldn ‘t be even better with six? Or maybe he could just be in it instead of Niall (useless).
  • It would make Sen. Marco Rubio stamp his foot so hard he would tear in half like Rumplestiltskin.
  • The one thing this amazing One Direction song is missing is a verse in Spanish about socialism. Here I wrote one (thanks Google Translate!):
  • Beb ‘ que ilumina mi vida como nadie ,La forma en que usted apoya los derechos del trabajador se apoder ‘ de m ‘ ,Acabar con el dominio imperialista sobre los derechos del trabajador , ‘Lleg ‘ Castro ,oh -oh -oh ,No sabes que eres hermosa.
  • In English:
  • Baby you light up my life like nobody else,The way you support the rights of the worker gets me overwhelmed,End the imperialist stranglehold on the rights of the worker,All hail Castro,oh-oh-oh,You don ‘t know you ‘re beautiful.
  • This is not a reason but I should clarify something I said above. I ‘m not a virgin. I don ‘t know why I said that.
  • Those five 1D guys will always, always have an amazing friendship but that beautiful woodland creature Harry Styles will have to run free soon and I ‘m sure it would be a huge comfort to him to know that there ‘s someone who can take on his leadership role in the band. I don ‘t think there ‘s anyone in the world who can do this but Eli ‘n Gonz ‘lez. DEFINITELY not Niall (useless).
  • And finally, and most importantly, if Eli ‘n Gonz ‘lez joined One Direction then there would be an even number of them, so they could each have a best friend. Harry with Louis, Eli ‘n with Liam, and Zayn with whoever replaces Niall.

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