By: Matt Klinman
AUTO-REPLY: Not Harvesting Souls Until 1/5 RE: Slenderman I Pledge Myself To Thee
Dearest proxies and disciples, it is I, The Tall Man, Mr. Slim, the one known as Slenderman. We have had quite a 2014, the internet legend that spawned me has grown, more children belong to me than ever and I ‘ve been making headlines ever since those two brave girls attempted to kill their friend in order to summon me. I linger in the shadows, lurking just out of the sight of innocence, stalking the souls of the precious and I am also spending some time with friends and family from December 23rd through January 4th so please don ‘t kill anyone to summon me during that time.
I know the deep winter is a great time to take a child you know into the woods, declare your fealty to me and slaughter him or her in the light of the moon in order to get me to appear but, please, I implore you not to take me away from the holiday gatherings and New Years Eve partycation I have planned.
I have no control over where or when I am summoned. For most of the year I am fine with that and actually enjoy the spontaneity of an unconventional work schedule, but during the holidays it can be quite annoying and impolite to just up and vanish from family events to manifest myself in front of those that have murdered a child in my name. Last year I was yanked through space and time to a murder scene just as someone was opening a present from me! It is very frustrating to spend hours finding the perfect educational-but-fun robotics kit for my niece only to not even get to see her face when she opens it because the rules that dictate my existence demand I appear just as the final drips of life drain from the victim of one of my proxies. Don ‘t get me wrong, I will still do my soul harvesting duty as it is what sustains me, but I stock up on extra souls in the fall so I don ‘t need to feed during just this time!
So that you know exactly when not to kill the pure during this holiday season, here is my exact schedule:
December 23rd:4:35pm EST Flight to Philadelphia Airport. I am spending Christmas with my girlfriend ‘s family in South Jersey this year, it ‘s rough being away from the immortal dark entities that raised me but her family parties pretty hard so it ‘s fun. You may summon me earlier that day but please refrain from doing so up to an hour before my boarding time (4:05pm). Also don ‘t give me any jars of blood or anything right before this or I ‘ll just have to dump them out before security.
December 24th – 27th: This is family time, absolutely no killing to summon me then. Even if I am not at one of my girlfriend ‘s family ‘s events I will still like this time for myself, unplugging and veging out watching The Santa Clause or whatever is just as important to me as outstretching my endless arms to envelop and steal the children of the earth.
December 28th – 30th: I ‘m actually not doing much these two days but I have some personal projects I ‘d like to work on so, yes, it would technically be ok if you summoned me during this time IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO, but I will not be happy about it and I definitely won ‘t hang around to chat after I reveal myself. I reserve the right to be rude. Only exception if if you are a celebrity or other high profile person, I get that you are busy during the year too and this may be the only time you have to commit a sacrifice for me. It ‘s good for my brand to be summoned by people like you so I am happy to do it, call me a starfucker or whatever, I don ‘t care, this is how the world works and I am fine with that.
December 31st – 4th: New Years is pretty close to the weekend this year so me and my homies are headed to Old San Juan, Puerto Rico to party! It ‘s super easy/cheap party spot to get to if your looking to getaway from the states (you don ‘t even need a passport!) and we got a whole hotel floor to ourselves to wreck. I have been looking forward to this all year so please don ‘t conjure me away from this.
So that ‘s the deal, those of you who wish to impress your friends and family with the fact you know me, I ask you to kindly remember that my face looks different to all who encounter me. It is thus very simple to dress a tall, skinny friend like me, murder someone and simply have that person emerge from the nearby wood and act like me. I promise this would impress me and also allow me to continue kicking it with my loved ones and friends.
Ok, that ‘s all. Hope you had a good year. Happy Holidays and remember that none are safe from my cold, ever expanding grasp.