By: Zack Poitras

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The Annual Christmas Massacre: A Tree ‘s Perspective

Doug Fir

Every year it ‘s the same story. Our brothers and sisters, just as they reach what should be the dawn of their adolescence, are chopped down by humans in a widespread, ritualistic genocide. Millions ‘ our friends, our family ‘ are taken from us. Come Christmastime, the streets fill with sap and an evil shadow falls upon the forests.

A lot of trees don ‘t know what goes on. They are high up in the mountain forests, unaware of the farms of slaughter, and the humiliating decorations humans adorn our dying friends. Well, thank Brushkel, God of Trees, that all those trees have the internet and can read this post, because I have some things to show them.

From Thanksgiving to Christmas, the sap-thirsty crowds and their high-pitched brood descend upon us and cut us from the ground. Not much footage exists, but we were able to discover this human family home video, one that properly demonstrates the horrors unleashed:

That ‘s not the end of it, fellow trees. After cutting us down, and taking us away from nature, they bring us to the city, to their homes. They keep us alive with paltry amounts of water, that we may endure weeks of prolonged torture, and shackle us in these barbaric contraptions:

Barbaric tree shackles for prolonged upright desensitization.

They dress our bodies up in glitter and lights, often placing us near a fires ‘ our ultimate enemy. It is a simple, brutal form of what the CIA would call ‘enhanced interrogation techniques”:

Also note the stuffed bear corpses, there to remind the tree of his past life in the woods, woods never to be seen again.

It ‘s not just our six-foot brothers and sisters, either, mind you. Some of our mentors, the big and stately, also fall prey to the whims of human greed. We were able to obtain footage of this horrifying public display of terror:

The horror must end now. We must rise up and destroy the humans. We give them the air they breathe, and we can take it away. Join me. Let ‘s all meet in Yosemite in October of 2017. From there we will orchestrate and carry out the greatest war on humanity ever seen. It is time, fellow trees. It is time!

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