By: Funny Or Die
In addition to its normal crop of young indie bands and hipster mainstays, this year ‘s Coachella music festival will also feature ’70s jazz-rock ‘easy-listening ‘fusion legends Steely Dan. A lot of people going to Coachella are probably way too young to know much about ‘The Dan,” so we ‘ve provided this handy guide for millennial festival-goers to get to know them better.
- When old white people who like jazz complain that Kenny G. isn ‘t really jazz, the real jazz that they ‘re talking about is Steely Dan.
- Steely Dan is sort of like if the Law and Order theme song was a whole band.
- Don ‘t be worried if you go see Steely Dan and can ‘t hear the music. Similar to a dog whistle, Steely Dan performs at a frequency that only Rolling Stone writers and baby boomers can hear.
- If ’70s weed had a soundtrack, Steely Dan would be on it.
- Younger Coachella attendees will probably know Steely Dan best for their Wikipedia page, ‘Steely Dan”
- ‘Steely” comes from an ancient Sanskrit word meaning ‘of, or relating to, being pussies.”
- If you ‘re looking for the quintessential Steely Dan song to start with, try ‘I ‘ll Supply the Love,” which may actually be by Toto. I ‘m not positive.
- It ‘s a little-known fact that Steely Dan is well known.
- At some point everyone in the crowd will be expected to put their arms around each other and sway, this is like the old person equivalent of a Google Hang.
- If you feed Steely Dan a lot of baking soda and then have them drink vinegar they will explode like a volcano.
- Original vocalist David Palmer was forced to exit after the band caught him in his hotel room painstakingly untangling rock and jazz.
- You can call your parents during Steely Dan ‘s set so they think you decided to skip Coachella and work your weekend shift at Walgreens after all.
- Unaccompanied minors at Steely Dan shows have a way of ending up ‘Bigged” like Tom Hanks by the power of hot licks. Watch out!
- The official Steely Dan font is Arial Narrow.
- They ‘ve had way more sex than you will ever have.