By: Funny Or Die

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The Young Coachella Attendee’s Guide To Steely Dan

In addition to its normal crop of young indie bands and hipster mainstays, this year ‘s Coachella music festival will also feature ’70s jazz-rock ‘easy-listening ‘fusion legends Steely Dan. A lot of people going to Coachella are probably way too young to know much about ‘The Dan,” so we ‘ve provided this handy guide for millennial festival-goers to get to know them better.

  • When old white people who like jazz complain that Kenny G. isn ‘t really jazz, the real jazz that they ‘re talking about is Steely Dan.
  • Steely Dan is sort of like if the Law and Order theme song was a whole band.
  • Don ‘t be worried if you go see Steely Dan and can ‘t hear the music. Similar to a dog whistle, Steely Dan performs at a frequency that only Rolling Stone writers and baby boomers can hear.
  • If ’70s weed had a soundtrack, Steely Dan would be on it.
  • Younger Coachella attendees will probably know Steely Dan best for their Wikipedia page, ‘Steely Dan”
  • ‘Steely” comes from an ancient Sanskrit word meaning ‘of, or relating to, being pussies.”
  • If you ‘re looking for the quintessential Steely Dan song to start with, try ‘I ‘ll Supply the Love,” which may actually be by Toto. I ‘m not positive.
  • It ‘s a little-known fact that Steely Dan is well known.
  • At some point everyone in the crowd will be expected to put their arms around each other and sway, this is like the old person equivalent of a Google Hang.
  • If you feed Steely Dan a lot of baking soda and then have them drink vinegar they will explode like a volcano.
  • Original vocalist David Palmer was forced to exit after the band caught him in his hotel room painstakingly untangling rock and jazz.
  • You can call your parents during Steely Dan ‘s set so they think you decided to skip Coachella and work your weekend shift at Walgreens after all.
  • Unaccompanied minors at Steely Dan shows have a way of ending up ‘Bigged” like Tom Hanks by the power of hot licks. Watch out!
  • The official Steely Dan font is Arial Narrow.
  • They ‘ve had way more sex than you will ever have.

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