Raccoonteur

From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Raccoons

Hey all –

Just a heads up: There have been multiple raccoon sightings in the area. Please be sure to close ALL the garbage can lids and secure them TIGHTLY with the attached chains.

Remember, raccoons are crafty animals, perfectly adapted to our modern world.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Re: Raccoons

This morning I found garbage strewn everywhere in the back stairwell. Please be sure to CLOSE the alley door so it CLICKS behind you.

If you didn ‘t know, raccoons have incredibly dexterous front paws, and can easily open unlocked doors.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Re: Raccoons

This might also be a good time to change ALL of your computer passwords.

It might sound crazy, but raccoons commonly engage in cybercrime.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Urgent news!

Just got off the phone with corporate. They ‘ve informed me that our company has just been acquired by Raccoon Capital Management, Inc. Calling an all hands meeting for 3 p.m to discuss the deets. Don ‘t worry, there won ‘t be any changes.

As you might have guessed, raccoons can surreptitiously purchase a controlling share of a company and stage a hostile takeover in order to obtain a hot garbage meal.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Changes

Be advised: Starting Monday, we ‘ll be switching to a nocturnal schedule. Thanks for being team players!

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Office picnic

The new bosses want to extend an olive branch for working so hard this past month, by inviting everyone to our office picnic!

When: Saturday, 1:30 a.m. ‘ 5 a.m.
Where: Edison Park, in the sewage overflow ditch behind the maintenance shed.

Family and friends welcome. BYOBFT (Bring Your Own Bags of Festering Trash).

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Break room mess

The bigwigs paid a surprise visit today, and are DISGUSTED with the state of the break room. It was spotless. I don ‘t know what you people do at your own homes, but in this office, you ‘ll toss your half-eaten food HAPHAZARDLY ON THE FLOOR.

Though we try to maintain a casual atmosphere, this is still a formal office environment, run by raccoons.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: Dress code

Just a reminder regarding our new MANDATORY dress code. Please consult the “DOs” and “DON ‘Ts” below.

DOs:
Button-up shirts
Dark jeans
Bandit masks

DON ‘Ts:
Muscle tees
Short skirts
Coonskin caps

Let me know if you have any questions.

Ted

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From: ted.moore@crotek-systems.com
Subject: More changes

It pains me to write that the rumors are true: Corporate is shutting down our entire branch and “moving on to phase two.” They ask that we vacate the premises by 5 p.m., as the building will be promptly demolished to make way for a garbage dump.

Sadly, raccoons make for ruthless businessmen.

Ted