By: John Harris
This week, theologians announced that the earliest known fragment of the New Testament was found on a piece of papyrus covering the face of an Egyptian mummy. After translating what appears to be the Gospel of Mark, scholars were surprised to learn that Jesus Christ had a friend named ‘Little Ricky.” Experts believe Little Ricky was excluded from subsequent drafts of the Bible, the reasoning for which becomes clear in the below passages:
MARK 1:1 – 1:5
The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; As it is written in the prophets, Behold, the voice of one crying in the wilderness, prepare you the way of the Lord, and also for the shrill, relentless voice of Little Ricky, whom Christ the Lord did know since he was but a child.
MARK 3:3 – 3:7
And Jesus said to the man which had the withered hand, ‘Stand forth. Stretch forth your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored whole as the other. And Little Ricky interrupted, saying ‘damn, that hand was NASTY. I almost puked all over the place before you fixed that gross-ass turkey claw. Good lookin ‘ out, man.”
MARK 8:7 – 8:10
And they had a few small fishes: and Jesus blessed, and commanded to set them also before them. And Little Ricky did take up one of the fishes, and did pretend it was his sexual organ. Little Ricky did then chase Judas around the mount with the fish held to his groin, saying unto Judas, ‘Judas! C ‘mere! Touch my fish-dick, Judas!”
MARK 10:18 – 10:22
And Jesus said to them, ‘You shall indeed drink of the cup that I drink of; and with the baptism that I am baptized with shall you ‘wait, where is the cup?” And then the cup did clatter from Little Ricky ‘s robes where he had concealed it, and thereupon did Little Ricky begin to stammer falsehoods: ‘I was..uh..just keeping the cup safe,” and also, ‘who put that cup in there? Matthew, did you put that cup in my robes? Ha, ha! Pretty funny trick, Matthew!”
And God saw to it that Little Ricky was called away to Galilee for three days, and even Jesus did seem greatly relieved, and was seen to put his weary head in his hands upon Little Ricky ‘s return.
MARK 15:1 – 15:7
‘Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and that hour knows no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the ‘ ‘ and then Little Ricky did barge into the room and whisper ‘you didn ‘t see me! None of you motherfuckers saw me, okay?!” And then did come in the chief priests and the whole council, and bound Jesus and carried him away, though the disciples did protest and cast blame unto Little Ricky.
MARK 16:14 – 16:18
Afterward, Jesus appeared to the astonished disciples, and he said to them, ‘Go you into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” And then Jesus was struck hard in the face with a stone, whereupon the disciples turned to Little Ricky, who had thrown it. And Little Ricky said, ‘What? Is he like a ghost or something, or what the hell is he? I just wanted to see what would happen.”