“Reforms” By Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz

Saudi Arabia ‘s ruler, King Abdullah, has died. The monarch is remembered as a relatively liberal ruler bent on modernizing the deeply conservative nation. He did occasionally try to do this, a little, when there wasn ‘t anything good on TV. Here are some of Abdullah ‘s sweeping reforms that have brought Saudi Arabia from the Middle Ages to the late Middle Ages.

• In a major step forward for freedom of speech, it is now legal to criticize the government if you whisper it into an abandoned well
• Women are now allowed to look at cars
• White headscarves may now be worn after Labor Day
• Spousal abuse is now a crime, punishable by a shake of the head and a ‘Hey, man. Come on. Come on, man”
• King Abdullah began the slow transition of taking Saudi Arabia from absolute monarchy to absolute-plus-infinity monarchy
• Abdullah was the first monarch to install women in political posts, such as Minister of Obedience and Secretary of Staying Inside
• Lighter sentences for convicted sorcerers
• Religious minorities no longer referred to as religious mi-BORE-ities (still heavily persecuted tho)
• Women may now study as much law as they can print on the inside of their head-to-toe concealing garments