By: Matt Klinman
Hey, rest of the United States, look over here at me, New York City! I have a bunch of snow!!! Look!! LOOK! LOOOOK!!!
I don ‘t care if you don ‘t live here or don ‘t know anyone that lives here or have never even been here once, I HAVE LOTS OF SNOW AND IT ‘S A BIG DEAL!! I know it is because I have lots of photos of snow in an urban environment for you to look at and you are going to see them on your TV and internet WEATHER you want to or not. That ‘s because when it snows on me, everyone should care because I am the most important place in the world!!
Stop paying attention to whatever is going on in Greece right now with their election and debt and fighter plane crash, DID YOU HEAR WE HAVE 126,000 TONS OF SALT HERE. Yeah! Fuck whatever is going on with ISIS right now, there are going to be 6,300 snowplows out here. Have you ever seen hundreds of photos of snowplows in BROOKLYN. Well get ready because YOU WILL SEE PHOTOS OF THAT SOON.
Yeah, I know that Boston and whatever other cities around here are also going to be affected by this blizzard, but I implore you not to care about them and only look at the city that is getting snowed on that matters, New York City: The only city where you will see footage of cars marked NYPD driving around in SNOW SNOW SNOW!
Oh and, I love this, I am going to pretend you are asking me how this affects you. Ready? Here we go: HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOU? Are you serious? Well, I don ‘t know, maybe because THE MAJORITY OF THE NEWS MEDIA IS IN NEW YORK. Did you realize that? So yeah, uhhh, if things seem a little slow or something is going wrong at a news website or blog or something you care about, let me give you a hint as to why: THERE IS A BIG BLIZZARD GOING ON.
Oh, and if you are expecting someone from New York to get back to you about something, well, ‘SORRY FOR THE DELAY, I DON ‘T KNOW IF YOU HEARD BUT IT ‘S A LITTLE CRAZY HERE RIGHT NOW!”
Have I told you guys about what ‘s happening to the Long Island Rail Road? I don ‘t care if you don ‘t even really know what that is; IT ‘S SERVICE IS GETTING SUSPENDED AT 11PM!!!
Oh, and YOU GOTTA hear about what ‘s going down with alternate-side parking: It ‘s suspended, probably for a while! With this amount of snow, who knows when we ‘ll have to move our cars again but hey, don ‘t worry about it, most of us don ‘t even HAVE cars ‘ it ‘s NEW YORK, we use the MTA SUBWAY SYSTEM. Boy, if you live in Arizona or Atlanta I know you give a shit about this one: The blizzard going on is probably going to LIMIT subway service.YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.
Wait wait, before you go, you have to hear my opinion about how Mayor de Blasio is going to try to be overly prepared for this storm because he doesn ‘t want to do an embarrassingly bad job like Bloomberg did a few years ago during that Christmas-time blizzard. It is important you care about how my current mayor compares to my old mayor!
I AM NEW YORK I AM IMPORTANT.