By: Pat O'Brien

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The New Yorker’s Guide To Freaking Out About A Snowstorm

As the East Coast continues to be hit sort of hard by a sort-of blizzard, it ‘s important for New Yorkers to be prepared for the worst.

Stock up on as much water as possible in addition to filling up all sinks and tubs for additional reserves.

Electrical power failures are common in storms of this magnitude. Make sure it ‘s in working condition before the inclement weather begins.

Listen, you ‘re gonna be doing A LOT of masturbating the next couple days. It ‘s not gonna be that “I ‘m Horny” kind of masturbating but more of that “I ‘m Bored” masturbating where you do it just because.

Can ‘t run your flashlights without batteries! Stock up at your local drug store while you still have time.

Hand Lotion
While you ‘re at that drug store getting batteries grab a bottle of hand lotion. Again, this is for all the masturbating. Trying to rub one out dry is far too dangerous in this weather.

Canned Goods
I mean, whatever.

These will help set the mood when you ‘re masturbating. You ‘re gonna be trapped for a while so just really make a day of it and take the time to properly seduce yourself.

Wild Things on DVD
The internet is definitely gonna go out at some point and we ‘re gonna have to masturbate the way we did back in 1998 ‘ to that threesome scene in Wild Things with Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon. I think you can get one at Best Buy for like $1 or something.

This actually ISN ‘T for the driveway but rather for shoveling yourself out of that MESS of a living room. Maybe a Glade Plug-In for the smell, too.

Forget what we said about flashlights! We meant to say Fleshlights! THROW ALL YOUR FLASHLIGHTS AWAY TO MAKE ROOM FOR MORE FLESHLIGHTS! THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!

  • If you and your friends had plans to go up inside the Statue of Liberty ‘s head, cancel them.
  • Make sure to hide the Snoopy ornament I gave you in case they start looting.
  • Don ‘t worry about who “they” is, just do it.
  • If you must go outside, make sure its in pants with room in the crotch.
  • Do stores in your neighborhood sell eggs? Are you sure? Go buy eggs, I ‘ll stay on the phone.
  • Also, go ahead and book your plane ticket for next Thanksgiving now before they start going up in price.
  • Tell the landlord to make sure your heat is working. Be sure to mention how you ‘re a special boy who gets chilly-willy easily.

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