By: Mike Scollins
Guy Pitching Super Bowl Commercials At Ad Agency Is Going Through Some Shit
Last night was Super Bowl 49 and, as we all saw, every commercial seemed to feature a poignant look at the American father. Here ‘s why.
BBDO Advertising Agency Offices ‘ Conference Room
DANE: All right, guys, we ‘ve got several clients coming in today and they ‘re looking to spend A LOT on Super Bowl spots. Who ‘s got pitches for Toyota?
LISA: What about a group of college guys who ‘
MATT: Lisa, as much as I appreciate women in the workplace, I ‘m gonna cut you off. I ‘ve just got a really good idea. What about a dad who is like always there for his child?
DANE: Well, I don ‘t really care for how you just spoke to Lisa but I ‘m listening. What happens next?
MATT: That ‘s all.
DRU: That ‘s all?
MATT: It ‘s just a dad who ‘s like ‘ awesome ‘ and um, alive ‘ and like. Yeah, that ‘s all.
DRU: Matt, Super Bowl commercials are usually supposed to be funny ‘
MATT: Add a fart track. The point is there ‘s a dad, let ‘s call him “Matt ‘s Dad,” and he picks up his kid, we ‘ll call him “me” for the time being, and they have a good relationship.
DANE: Can we incorporate a car in this somehow?
MATT: OK, he drives to his son ‘s play in high school cause he doesn ‘t think they ‘re “a waste of time and kinda gay.”
DANE: Let ‘s put a pin in Toyota for a minute. What do people think about Nissan? Now this is a brand who lives and dies by thei ‘
MATT: IT ‘S A SON WHO ‘S ESTRANGED FROM HIS DAD BUT THEN HIS DAD PICKS HIM UP AT SCHOOL ONE DAY. IT ‘S 20 MINUTES LONG AND IN THE BACKGROUND WE PLAY HARRY CHAPIN ‘S “CAT ‘S CRADLE”!
DRU: Matt, are you going through some stuff with your father right now?
MATT: What?! No!
LISA: Commercials aren ‘t 20 minutes ‘.
MATT: This one is.
LISA: What about dudes traveling on the ultimate road trip?
MATT: Lisa, I know we ‘re just spit-balling here and there ‘s no such thing as a bad idea but if there was such a thing as a bad idea, it would be what you just said. So anyways that ‘s HARRY. CHAPIN. Someone should be writing this down. H-A-R-R ‘
DANE: Matt, Harry Chapin died in a car accident, I don ‘t know if using his music is appropriate for a car commercial.
MATT: WE ‘RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, THE CLIENTS ARE GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE!
DANE: OK, we ‘re moving on! The next is for GoDaddy and ‘
MATT: NO DON ‘T GO, DADDY!!!!
DANE: Forget it! We ‘re skipping all “daddy”-based products for now. Let ‘s move on to Cheetos.
LISA: Since they ‘re pushing their “Fire Hot” variety I was thinking we could ‘ I ‘m sorry, is Matt crying?
MATT: NO!!!!! (But, yes, he is.)
DRU: Matt, you clearly have some unresolved issues with your father.
MATT: No, I don ‘t! I ‘m crying cause I was remembering Darfur.
DRU: You were clearly thinking about your father.
MATT: Just forget it! Cheetos ‘ Cheetos ‘ OH!! It ‘s a commercial where Chester Cheetah tells his son he loves him, that he doesn ‘t CARE if his son is a dancer and then takes him to Dairy Queen like he ‘s always wanted!
DANE: Matt, we cannot write a Cheetos commercial where people go to Dairy Queen.
MATT: OH MY GOD I ‘M SORRY I ‘M SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT, DAD!!!
DANE: I ‘m not your father.
MATT: THAT ‘S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID!
LISA: We need to do something. The clients are here.
DANE: Fuck it, let ‘s just go with Matt ‘s ideas.
MATT: Thank you! Also can some of these kids have artificial legs?