By: Brian Donaldo

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Cupid, Stop Telling Me Who To Fuck. You ‘re A Baby.

OK, I don ‘t know if this is a regressive statement or not but I ‘m fucking SICK and TIRED of a naked baby deciding who we fuck. The whole thing is none of his business and why does he even care in the first place?

When I was a baby I didn ‘t give an once of thought as to who was fucking who. And I definitely didn ‘t give thought to who should be fucking who. I mean, OK, this was the ’80s so maybe it was a simpler time but babies today are just growing up way too fast. Cupid is six months old, tops, and he just flies around shooting arrows (violent, btw) and forcing people to wanna fuck. Where are his folks? Do they support this? I don ‘t wanna tell anyone how to parent but if that were my kid I ‘d be like, ‘Young man, in this house, we don ‘t make adults fuck. We let them decide who to fuck on their own.”

You can ‘t just play God with people ‘s sexuality, dude. You don ‘t know us. You don ‘t know what we ‘re into. Remember that time you shot Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? That was, like, INSANE because clearly those two had no natural sexual attraction to one another. Or that really mean trick you played on Jerry Sandusky?! With great power comes great responsibility, and, I ‘m sorry, but as an infant you ‘re not ready to handle it.

Plain and simple, I ‘M the boss of who I wanna throw it in. That ‘s not even a slight on your age ‘ I ‘d tell an adult the same thing. Who are you to be like, ‘Brian should wanna fuck this person.” PEW! PEW! (Those were arrow noises.) Like, what if you made me wanna fuck some Nazi sympathizer?! What would we even talk about when it was over?! I promise you, we ‘d have nothing in common. And what if your aim was off and I fucked, like, a redhead or something else gross. Even if you started practicing archery on the day you were born, that ‘s still only, like, six months experience. You ‘re not Katniss Everdeen.

Don ‘t you have any baby interests? My sister has a baby who, from what I gather, is perfectly content to just nap and watch Caillou. That ‘s all he does and he loves it. I respect you having interests outside the home but how about one a little more age appropriate? You know nothing of life and the complexities of adult relationships. I didn ‘t even know what fucking was till I was 13 and some zookeepers clued me in to what those giraffes were doing. (Also, did you make that happen? Cause I think you only shot one of them. The other giraffe did NOT look into what was happening.)

Listen. You ‘re not a bad baby. I admire what you ‘re trying to do by bringing people together. It ‘s just not your place. If you see two people who you think should be fucking, just leave ’em alone. If they ‘re meant to fuck, they will.

Love, Brian

P.S. – If you live on a cloud does that mean you ‘re in Heaven and dead? That ‘s sad.

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