By: News

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Niagara Falls Is Frozen And My Barrel Is Stuck

Frozen Niagara Falls, via Inquistir

Due to extreme low temperatures, Niagara Falls is currently frozen. Here are a few words from Bonnie Bess Slattery, a daredevil going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Bonnie Bess Slattery, The Adventure Lass.

Well, blast it. My barrel is stuck.

All was well yesterday when I got in my barrel. To be sure, it was a little cold and icy, but I don ‘t care about such stuff. I ‘m a daredevil. I just gave an extra jaunty thumbs up as my cooper screwed the lid on (a cooper is someone who makes barrels) and I laughed like this, ‘Danger? Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Then I realized no one had said anything about danger. I was pretty embarrassed. That is mainly what I was thinking about as my barrel was set adrift, not the ice.

Everything was going well – it was bumpy and scary, but I was definitely still falling – until my barrel was about halfway down, and that ‘s when the falls froze. And now I ‘m stuck here, I suppose till spring.

For a daredevil to be halted mid-dare is the worst fate that can befall him or her. I was ready for glory or for death. Not for waiting around for a thaw.

And wait I must. Numerous ladders have been dangled before me from above, large red-and-white trampolines beckon from below, but I have never backed out of a daredeviltry before and I never shall. Even though it is very cold and my back is acting up, I will remain here until I can complete my plunge.

It could be worse. I have Netflix in the barrel. For some reason there ‘s a really good wifi hotspot halfway down the falls. I am almost through season three of Gilmore Girls.

Also, it ‘s beautiful up here. It ‘s incredibly quiet and the air is very clear and cold. The only sound is the haunting cries of the wheeling gulls as I snatch them out of the air and wring their necks.

Seagulls are delicious and I never get tired of eating them raw. Nor do I tire of throwing the bones and feathers onto Chauncey ‘s head. Chauncey is another frozen adventurer. His barrel is below mine. Oh, how he shakes his fist at my little japes! We are to wed.

However, this is still infuriating. I expected a packed season on the daredevil circuit! Jumping off the Eiffel Tower, jumping off the Empire State Building, streaking at a South American soccer game. Now no one will here any more of Bonnie Bess Slattery Who Laughs At Danger until at least March! Or never, if I die.

I thought about climbing out and completing my jump sans barrel, but then I would straight up die on the jagged ice below. I am a daredevil, not a diedevil.

All of this is not great for my seasonal depression.

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