What’s Inside This Year’s Oscar Swag Bags?

Every year the Oscar Gifting Suite hands its celebrity attendants thousands of dollars worth of free swag. And here we ‘ve got an exclusive look into this weekend ‘s 2015 haul.

1. It ‘s a Bird, Man!
This is a real live bird that is now your responsibility to feed and water and all that shit. It ‘s actually kind of a burden ‘ excuse us, BIRD-in! (But seriously this is a hassle and not a good gift. Betty White said she ‘d take him off your hands.)

2. Vouchers to the Grand Budapest Hotel aka Days Inn
Grand Budapest Hotel might not be real but we know another hotel where really weird shit is always happening and lot of people die. Enjoy your free stay at the Days Inn!

3. Boyhood Russian Nesting Dolls
Watch star Ellar Coltrane grow from boy to ‘ older boy with these Russian Nesting Dolls. These are an Academy Gift Bag exclusive and NOT available in stores. (But only cause stores weren ‘t interesting in carrying them.)

4. Imitation Game Rubix Cube
We ‘ll be honest, we only half watched this movie while we caught up on emails but pretty sure it was about Benedict Pumpkinpatch solving Hitler ‘s Rubix Cube or some shit. Anyways, we included one in here.

5. Theory of Everything Branded Soccer Ball
Yeah, this one we don ‘t really get. Feels more cruel than anything. Or maybe he used one as a kid before all that ‘stuff ‘ went down? Anyways, enjoy.

6. J.K. Simmons Talking Action Figure
This Whiplash doll features real homophobic slurs just like in the movie! Simply pull the string and let ‘er rip. This guy says EVERYTHING, even the REALLY bad ones I ‘m too scared to type!

7. A Fuckin ‘ REAL Sniper Gun, You Guys!
Lock your cross hairs on these American Sniper ‘brand rifles courtesy of the good people at Warner Brothers. Now you can Chris Kyle in CRISP STYLE.

8. Selma ‘s ‘Wok” to Montgomery
Make your own soul food with this limited-edition Selma wok. Toss in some bok choy, snap peas, and bamboo shoots for a meal right out of Alabama.