By: Spitting Image

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Deluxe (Super Joke Bucket)

This Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots square off against each other in Super Bowl XLIX, which is a fancy way of saying 49. Here ‘s everything you need to know BEFORE you watch:

If you ask a random person on the street, ‘What was the most scandalous moment in Super Bowl Halftime History?”, 99.9% of the time, they ‘ll tell you when we saw Janet Jackson ‘s tit. But how about these other, less remembered but equally scandalous moments?

  • Players may only spend time with game balls in the presence of a court-appointed chaperone.
  • Instead of loss of yardage, whenever the Patriots have a penalty, Tom Brady has to remove one piece of clothing.
  • If you miss a field goal, you have to watch the Katy Perry / Lenny Kravitz Halftime show.
  • If someone watching the Super Bowl at home yells out what play you SHOULD have done, you have to try it the next time.
  • After a touchdown, teams will be given a five second window to shout ‘Keepsies,” allowing their team to keep the ball, rather than kick-off to the other team.
  • Patriots are only allowed to cheat a little bit.
  • After getting sacked, the quarterback must stand up and do a little baby dance while shouting, ‘owwee woweee, dat hoowurt my baby booty. ‘
  • Seahawks fans no longer allowed to assemble into giant, murderous ’12th man.”
  • Someone scribbled ‘Pats touchdowns are worth 8 points now! Swear to God!” into the rule book so I guess that makes it true? ‘\_(?)_/ ‘
  • If a team captain kicks the coin as it ‘s being flipped directly into the skull of the head ref, killing him instantly, the game is a tie and everyone goes home.
  • Have fun out there.
  • All game footballs must be named (e.g. ‘Terry,” ‘Tabitha,” etc.) and referred to as such by referees when that particular ball is in play.
  • The team who is nicest wins, regardless of the score.

Ready for a fascinating Superbowl factoid? Janet Jackson ‘s nipple – the one unleashed by Justin Timberlake at the Superbowl Halftime Show in 2004 – has actually appeared in every halftime show since. Check out the photographic evidence below.

Feb 1, 2004

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