By: Spitting Image
chart 3+ (wide)
As the militant Islamic group ISIS extends its path of terror, there has been some confusion with other entities that coincidentally share their name: a mobile wallet phone app called Isis launched recently with the backing of American Express; animated TV series Archer, which follows the exploits of a spy agency called ISIS, just finished its fifth season; and of course it also sounds a whole lot like a certain ’90s pop song by the Goo Goo Dolls called ‘Iris.”
To help you figure out which ISIS is right for you, please consult the following chart.
 Spotify |
 Apple Music |
 Tidal |
 Google Play |
 Rhapsody |
 Rdio |
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| I can only afford $10/month. Does it cost $10/month? | Yes, if you want commercial-free music. | Yes, because Tim Cook deemed it so. | Yes, but they will also let you pay $20/month if you’re a dummy. | Yes, although you’d think Google could afford to give this shit away for free. | Wait, this service still exists? | Yes, but their discount $4 level will appeal to minimalist hipsters. |
| I’m a bit of an audiophile. What’s the sound quality like? | The quality on desktop is higher than mobile, but the latest Maroon 5 single always sounds great no matter what, so who cares? | Excellent, especially if you’re wearing your dope ass $300 Beats by Dre headphones. | They advertise as CD-quality even though no one knows what a CD is anymore. | 320 kbps. Got it, nerd? | Sounds just as good as it did in 1999. | Falls somewhere in between Pandora and that high-end Neil Young PONO nonsense. |
| How can I use it to find new music? | It’s Pandora-like radio feature is a good way to find more bands that sound like Maroon 5. | Beats1 Radio is REALLY good. No joke. | Just log-on and do whatever Beyonc ‘ says. | Google it, of course. | IDK, maybe watch old clips of TRL? | They keep all the new releases under a section titled “New Releases,” which is quite helpful. |
| How big is the library? | 30 million, give or take a Maroon 5 live album. | Exactly 30 million. No more, no less. | 25 Million songs, 75,000 music videos, 3,100 fart noises. | Roughly 31,567,042 songs | However many songs had been written as of 2003. | N/A. They got to 11 million, but then lost count and had to start over. |
| Do I have the option to listen offline? | Yes, every step has been taken to ensure the Maroon never stops. | Do whatever you want man. | Sure, but Rihanna would rather you didn’t. | Of course, but Google will still be able to track you. | Yes. In fact, you might have to. We’re not sure this is even still a website. | Sure, but a life lived offline isn’t a life worth living. |
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| Do they have Taylor Swift? | Nope, as we said, it’s an all-you-can-eat Maroon 5 buffet over there. | HELL YEAH! | Not yet, but probably someday. | No, but check out Google Cardboard for an excellent VR experience. | Taylor Swift isn’t even born yet in this universe. | Nah dude. |
| And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain?” | Yes. | Yes. | Yes. | Yes. | Yes. | Yes. |
| OK, what about Taylor Swift covering Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain?” | No. | No. | No. | No. | No. | No. |
| So the Milli Vanilli thing is a sort of a wash? | I guess so, yeah. | I guess so, yeah. | I guess so, yeah. | I guess so, yeah. | I guess so, yeah. | I guess so, yeah. |
| Why should I use this service? | You’ve already been using this service for 3 years and have amassed a large number of carefully created Maroon 5 playlists. | Apple must have all your money. | You love press conferences with a weird mix of famous musicians. | Because for some reason you don’t want Apple to have all your money. | You found a time machine, but it broke and you’re stuck in the summer of 2001. | Because you’re a fucking contrarian. |
| Why shouldn’t I use this service? | Your friends can actually see you listening to Maroon 5 for eight hours in a row. | It’s integrated into iTunes which means they’re probably going to try and trick you into still BUYING music. | You have a beef with Jay-Z. | You’re holding out for Bing Music. | We think it may have shut down in 2006. | You hate when companies misspell words on prpose. |
| Ultimately, will my friends finally think I’m cool if I use this service? | Yes. | Definitely. | Of course. | I think so, yeah. | Hell yeah! Retro is back, baby! | Sure, why not. |
I can only afford $10/month. Does it cost $10/month?
Spotify: Yes, if you want commercial-free music.
Apple Music:Yes, because Tim Cook deemed it so.
Tidal: Yes, but they will also let you pay $20/month if you’re a dummy.
Google Play: Yes, although you’d think Google could afford to give this shit away for free.
Rhapsody: Wait, this service still exists?
Rdio: Yes, but their discount $4 level will appeal to minimalist hipsters.
I’m a bit of an audiophile. What’s the sound quality like?
Spotify: The quality on desktop is higher than mobile, but the latest Maroon 5 single always sounds great no matter what, so who cares?
Apple Music: Excellent, especially if you’re wearing your dope ass $300 Beats by Dre headphones.
Tidal: They advertise as CD-quality even though no one knows what a CD is anymore.
Google Play: 320 kbps. Got it, nerd?
Rhapsody: Sounds just as good as it did in 1999.
Rdio: Falls somewhere in between Pandora and that high-end Neil Young PONO nonsense.
How can I use it to find new music?
Spotify: It’s Pandora-like radio feature is a good way to find more bands that sound like Maroon 5.
Apple Music:Beats1 Radio is REALLY good. No joke.
Tidal: Just log-on and do whatever Beyonc ‘ says.
Google Play: Google it, of course.
Rhapsody: IDK, maybe watch old clips of TRL?
Rdio: They keep all the new releases under a section titled “New Releases,” which is quite helpful.
How big is the library?
Spotify: 30 million, give or take a Maroon 5 live album.
Apple Music:Exactly 30 million. No more, no less.
Tidal: 25 Million songs, 75,000 music videos, 3,100 fart noises.
Google Play: Roughly 31,567,042 songs.
Rhapsody: However many songs had been written as of 2003.
Rdio: N/A. They got to 11 million, but then lost count and had to start over.
Do I have the option to listen offline?
Spotify: Yes, every step has been taken to ensure the Maroon never stops.
Apple Music:Do whatever you want man.
Tidal: Sure, but Rihanna would rather you didn’t.
Google Play: Of course, but Google will still be able to track you.
Rhapsody: Yes. In fact, you might have to. We’re not sure this is even still a website.
Rdio: Sure, but a life lived offline isn’t a life worth living.
Do they have Taylor Swift?
Spotify: Nope, as we said, it’s an all-you-can-eat Maroon 5 buffet over there.
Apple Music:HELL YEAH!
Tidal: Not yet, but probably someday.
Google Play: No, but check out Google Cardboard for an excellent VR experience.
Rhapsody: Taylor Swift isn’t even born yet in this universe.
Rdio: Nah dude.
And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain?”
Spotify: Yes
Apple Music:Yes
Tidal: Yes
Google Play: Yes
Rhapsody: Yes
Rdio: Yes
And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain?”
Spotify: No
Apple Music:No
Tidal: No
Google Play: No
Rhapsody: No
Rdio: No
And can I use it to listen to Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain?”
Spotify: I guess so, yeah.
Apple Music:I guess so, yeah.
Tidal: I guess so, yeah.
Google Play: I guess so, yeah.
Rhapsody: I guess so, yeah.
Rdio: I guess so, yeah.
Why should I use this service?
Spotify: You’ve already been using this service for 3 years and have amassed a large number of carefully created Maroon 5 playlists.
Apple Music:Apple must have all your money.
Tidal: You love press conferences with a weird mix of famous musicians.
Google Play: Because for some reason you don’t want Apple to have all your money.
Rhapsody: You found a time machine, but it broke and you’re stuck in the summer of 2001.
Rdio: Because you’re a fucking contrarian.
Why shouldn’t I use this service?
Spotify: Your friends can actually see you listening to Maroon 5 for eight hours in a row.
Apple Music:It’s integrated into iTunes which means they’re probably going to try and trick you into still BUYING music.
Tidal: You have a beef with Jay-Z.
Google Play: You’re holding out for Bing Music.
Rhapsody: We think it may have shut down in 2006.
Rdio: You hate when companies misspell words on prpose.
Ultimately, will my friends finally think I’m cool if I use this service?
Spotify: Yes.
Apple Music:Definitely.
Tidal: Of course.
Google Play: I think so, yeah.
Rhapsody: Hell yeah! Retro is back, baby!
Rdio: Sure, why not.
