By: Melinda Taub

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Emails From The Chicago Secret Prison’s Neighbors

The Guardian revealed this week that the Chicago Police Department is operating a secret prison in the heart of the city. Prisoners are secretly held for long hours without access to their lawyers or the outside world, and some have allegedly been tortured. How did the Chicago PD keep such a thing a secret? They were great at blending in with their neighbors, as you can tell from these emails from their block association ‘s google group.

From: Chrissy Surnow
Subject: Block party

This year ‘s block party will be held on Saturday from 10 AM until sunset! If your address ends in an odd number, bring a side dish! If your address ends in an even number, bring a dessert! If you ‘re a mysterious edifice with no street address, please bring hot dog buns!!! lol jk we know you won ‘t show up ;).

All are welcome though! Even grim-faced terror men who come and go in the wee hours! Even frightened prisoners pleading for us to call their families! Even the Lanagans! LOL 😉

From: Al Thompson
Subject: Noise

Hi neighbors! My son is trying to sleep at night so I was hoping we could all do a better job at keeping the noise down after 10 PM, especially the mysterious metal banging and screams of I WANT MY LAWYER that comes from the mysterious building. Also everyone else: Keep your music down. That means you, Lanagan teens! Thanks, that would be great!

From: Anna Downs
Subject: Playdate??

Hi friends! As you know our family is new in town and my 8-year-old daughter Rachel would love to find some new playmates! Most kids on this block are a little older but the other day I heard a child ‘s voice screaming HELP THEY ARRESTED ME AND THEY WON ‘T CALL MY MOM AND I ‘M LEGIT A SMALL CHILD, maybe from the big nameless edifice?? or maybe it was from the Lanagans ‘ place, I don ‘t know! Anyway, if anyone knows this kid, Rachel would love to have him/her over to play Wii!

From: David Surnow
Subject: Lost Cat

Everyone, my cat Ms. Frizzle is missing! I ‘ve been going door to door asking if anyone ‘s seen him, and so far no luck. I knocked on the door of the mysterious edifice and the guy who came to the door (I guess the dad of the family who lives there?? I don ‘t know, he was dressed like a cop but also carrying a baseball bat) said that the cat wasn ‘t inside and also no one was inside and also never come back or my family would be sorry. But my family is ALREADY sorry that Ms. Frizzle is gone! Also I ‘m pretty sure I saw another cop playing with Ms. Frizzle inside the mysterious edifice but when he saw me looking he pointed his gun at me.

Sorry to be a downer! Looking forward to the block party!

From: Anna Downs
Subject: Shoveling

Hi guys. We ‘ve been having a lot of snow lately (gotta love those Chicago winters!) and I noticed that it ‘s causing some friction on the block. For those of you who are new to the area, if you ‘ve shoveled out a parking spot, it ‘s considered acceptable to save it FOR A SHORT TIME with a lawn chair. BUT please DO NOT try to save a spot for more than 24 hours, or try to save it with the body of a groaning unconscious man with handcuff burns on his wrists. I ‘m looking at you, Herb Lanagan and occupants of the mysterious edifice! You know who did which thing!

From: Herb Lanagan
Subject: Lanagans here

Hey guys. This is Herb Lanagan. Please stop conflating us with the mysterious edifice. I know we live next door but we are a family of five and they are obviously a Chicago police black site. Thanks.

From: Marie Lanagan
Subject: Has anyone seen Herb?

He disappeared just after sending that last email.

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