By: News
Leaked Emails From Snowden’s Lawyer

In a surprise turn of events, Edward Snowden ‘s lawyer stated that Snowden is ready to return home to the United States. Snowden has hidden in Russia since he leaked thousands of classified government documents to media outlets, including new documents released earlier this week.

From: ben.wizner@AmericanCivilLibertiesUnion.org
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Dear John,
OK, so then we ‘re agreed. Edward Snowden will return to the U.S. Upon his return, he will be charged and stand trial for releasing classified documents to unauthorized persons but he won ‘t be charged under the 1917 Espionage Act, which would make it impossible for us to argue that his disclosures served the common good.
On behalf of myself and the rest of Mr. Snowden’s legal team, I want to thank the U.S. State Department for negotiating with us.
Ben

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Hey ‘ see below! He totally bought it!

From: ben.wizner@AmericanCivilLibertiesUnion.org
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
John, I think you meant to ‘forward ‘ that, but instead you hit reply. I ‘m getting the feeling that you ‘re not going to honor our deal.
Ben

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Sorry, that was about something else. I will absolutely honor our deal.

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Hey ‘ see below! He totally bought it! Who do I contact to get him charged under the 1917 Espionage Act?

From: ben.wizner@AmericanCivilLibertiesUnion.org
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
John, you still sent that to me. It distinctly feels like you ‘re not talking about something else. You ‘re talking about Snowden. If you ‘re going to charge him under the Espionage Act, it will make it impossible for us to defend him. He wants to do the right thing and stand trial for what he ‘s done. Please don ‘t make this difficult.

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Hi Ben,
Sorry, that really was in reference to someone else. Some guy who ‘s in ‘ uh ‘ India.
Love,
John

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Hi Ben,
Sorry, I didn ‘t mean to sign off that email with ‘love. ‘ I email my wife a lot. Force of habit.
Love,
John

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Let ‘s hope this works this time. Man, email is so complicated. What idiot designed it so that ‘forward ‘ and ‘reply ‘ are right next to each other? Crazy. LOL.
Anyway, Snowden ‘s coming back and we TOTALLY fooled his lawyer into thinking we ‘re not going to charge him under the Espionage Act. Ha ha. We are going to NAIL this guy. Do you think we can send him to Gitmo? Or do you think maybe we can arrange it so he can get shot the second he steps off the plane? Maybe we can shoot him, but make it seem like it was an ‘accident ‘ because of some ‘crazed lunatic. ‘ You know, like we did with Lee Harvey Oswald.
I ‘m going to email his lawyer right now, ask if we can get him to send us the flight details of his return. Man, that guy is so stupid. I ‘ve never seen a photo of him, but I bet that even his face is stupid.

From: ben.wizner@AmericanCivilLibertiesUnion.org
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
Wow John. In the span of three emails, you managed to tell me you love me (twice), insult me, and undo our deal. You can ‘t tell me that the email was meant for someone else ‘ you used Snowden ‘s name in it. Deal is off. With no guarantees of a right to a fair trial, or even his safety, Snowden is staying in Russia. There was a chance that he would have had his day in court, but not anymore. I hope you ‘re happy.

From: john.kerry@USDepartmentOfState.gov
Subject: Re: Snowden ‘s return
See below. Can you believe this guy? Like we can ‘t get someone to murder Snowden in Russia.
Love,
John