By: Simon Johnston
Canadian Football League Offseason: Winners and Losers
The Riders have had a rough go of it for a while now, but things are looking up. They recently found some guy in a Tim Horton ‘s that was once the backup quarterback at a mid-level American high school, so he ‘s already better than 75% of the quarterbacks in the league. Look for the Riders to at least crack the playoff bubble.
The Bombers have been in financial trouble ever since giving the owner ‘s troubled nephew, Tim, the max contract allowed by the CFL (85 dollars a week), the team is over the cap and in troubled waters. Look for new general manager, and former TGI Friday ‘s busboy, Richie Nelligan to try and right the ship before camp. “I sell Tim weed all the time, ‘ said Nelligan. “I know how to handle money. ‘
After local barber and sponsor of the Argonauts Jack Simons retired to Vancouver, the 'Nauts have lost their main source of income. The team has found sponsors to replace the local barber, but the team ‘s bake sale and carnival fundraisers have been lackluster replacements.
Aside from the fact that these guys have the most racist name in all of sports, the Redblacks are championship contenders. Head Coach Dennis Jackson is back from his stint in rehab fighting a paint huffing addiction. With the mad paint genius of Ottawa back in command, the team ‘s expectations are as high as Coach Dennis after huffing paint in the backseat of his ex-wife ‘s mini-van.
Ever since the team ‘s bus lost a tire and players were forced to drive themselves to away games, the Tiger-Cats have been on a crash course with disaster. This is made even worse by starting quarterback Zach Collars ‘ mom making him quit football in order to get a better job so he can move out of her basement.
The Eskimos suffered a collection of heartbreaking one point losses last season that kept them out of playoff contention. Now that the team has found a kicker who can sometimes make a field goal, things are looking up. Now if they can find someone who can punt forwards they'll be in good shape come the season opener.
Building your stadium right near a maple syrup factory may sound like a good idea on paper. The smell is wonderful and the fresh maple syrup makes the fans happy, but your entire team dying in a tragic maple syrup flood won ‘t win you rings. The Renegades need to take this time to rebuild, and shake off that sickly sweet maple smell, so they can go into the new season with a fresh start.
