By: Mike Scollins
Robert Durst’s Defense Lawyer Doesn’t Know What To Do
Yesterday, the same day as the series finale of HBO ‘s The Jinx,Robert Durst was arrested for murder. Here ‘s the transcript from his court case.
Defense begins opening statements.
DEFENSE: Ladies and gentleman of the jury. SURE. It ‘s easy to say my client killed his wife, Kathleen McCormack. It ‘s easy to say he killed his friend, Susan Berman. It ‘s even easier to say he killed his neighbor, Morris Black. By his own admission, my client cut him up into little pieces and threw him in a lake. But what I’.shit. Where was I going with this?
JUDGE: Counselor?
DEFENSE: Gimmie a second. I ‘ll come up with something. What I meant to say was that none of you realize ‘ fuck. I don ‘t ‘I mean this seems pretty cut and dry. Wow. Wow, this is hard to argue. Um ‘ pass.
JUDGE: You ‘re going to ‘pass” on your opening statements?
DEFENSE: If I come up with something, I ‘ll let you know.
JUDGE: Um, ok. Prosecution, the floor is yours.
PROSECUTOR: I ‘d like to present Exhibit A. The audio from the series finale of The Jinx where Mr. Durst says on record, ‘I killed em all.”
DEFENSE: OBJECTION!
JUDGE: On what grounds?
DEFENSE: That ‘s just like ‘I mean c'mon.
PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?
DEFENSE: I mean clearly that ‘s gonna make him look super guilty. I just ‘after this I don ‘t have a leg to stand on.
DURST: Neither does Morris Black! LOLOLOLOL!!
DEFENSE: Robert? Can you not, please?
JUDGE: Counselor, we can ‘t exclude evidence just cause it ‘makes him look super guilty.”
DEFENSE: YOU ‘RE SERIOUSLY GONNA PLAY ME LIKE THIS?!
JUDGE: I ‘m sorry, counselor, my hands are tied.
DURST: SO WE ‘RE MORRIS BLAC ‘
DEFENSE: DUDE! STOP.
DURST: (BURPBURPBUUUURPBUUUUUUURP)
JUDGE: Prosecution, continue with your evidence.
DEFENSE: Ugh. You ‘re being a jerk right now. Both of you are.
Audio plays from the final scene of HBO ‘s The Jinx. ‘There it is. You ‘re caught.”
DEFENSE: HE ‘S IN THE BATHROOM! HE COULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT HIS DICK! MAYBE IT WAS CAUGHT IN HIS ZIPPER!
DURST: No, my dick was fine. I was saying ‘You ‘re caught” for the murders I committed.
DEFENSE: NOT HELPING, BOB!
Audio continues playing. ‘What a disaster.”
DEFENSE: Oh that could be ANYTHING! Who among us has not said, ‘What a disaster” in the bathroom?! We have no idea what he had for lunch.
JUROR #2: That ‘s true actually. I leave disasters in the bathroom all the time.
DEFENSE: SEE?! Jurors aren ‘t really supposed to speak but THANK YOU, dude. Finally someone on my side. See I like him. I like Juror #2.
DURST: I might kill Juror #2 ‘
DEFENSE: DURST! HOT MIC!
DURST: Oopsy.
PROSECUTOR: Can I please continue with the audio?
DEFENSE: Why?! We all agreed people leave disasters in the bathroom all the time. Case dismissed.
DURST: I might shoot the bailiff later, too ‘
DEFENSE: BOBBY! WE DON ‘T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING WE THINK!
JUDGE: Proceed, counselor.
Audio continues playing, ‘Killed them all, of course.”
DEFENSE: OH WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEFEND THIS GUY?! SOMEONE TELL ME! JUDGE ‘ IF YOU WERE ME, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!
JUDGE: Counselor, settle down! You ‘ll have your chance to question the defendant.
DEFENSE: Why would I ever do that?! Watch this- Robert, did you murder three people?!
DURST: Yes, of course. (BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK)
DEFENSE: SEE?! Dude gives zero fucks!! Oh my God, look ‘he just put on a wig in the middle of court.
DURST: I ‘m a lady now.
DEFENSE: I DEMAND ME AND THE PROSECUTOR SWITCH PLACES!!!
PROSECUTOR: I ‘m not doing that.
DURST: I ‘m a boy again. What ‘d I miss?
COURTROOM: ‘\_(?)_/ ‘
