By: Mike Scollins
Tomorrow is St. Patrick ‘s Day where, for 24 hours, the whole world is a little bit Irish.
To help make sure you ‘re celebrating in style and properly honoring the country ‘s gorgeous heritage, there are the 10 things you NEED to do.
Eat Soda Bread
OK, so the Irish aren ‘t entirely known for their cuisine. Lotta cabbage, lotta boiled stuff. Basically things that fill you up but don ‘t taste awesome going down. Soda bread ‘s decent though. Eat some soda bread.
This is Step 2 but really ought to be Step 1. You don ‘t wanna get pinched do you?! Throw some green on, ya dummy! Get in the spirit!
Get Alcohol Poisoning!!!
Nothing says St. Patrick ‘s Day like 2 p.m. alcohol poisoning! Celebrate in style with a festive trip to the E.R. And definitely don ‘t let your friends know it ‘s coming! The best way to get alcohol poisoning is to act COMPLETELY FINE one minute and then just GONE the next. So people are like, ‘Wait, who was watching Hannah?” and then someone else is like, ‘I was but she was FINE a second ago! I swear!”
Bonus points if you A) Take one of those new-energy efficient cabs cause they ‘re green or B) lose your wallet so your friends have to cover your copay.
Try To Have Sex With A Limp Dick
This is a VERY Irish thing to do! Most people too drunk to sustain an erection would just be like, ‘Listen, I don ‘t think it ‘s happening tonight.” But not the Irish! They don ‘t stop trying until they literally pass out! So just keep mushing that tiny, flaccid wiener against her dry genitals till some part of it lands inside. It ‘ll be fun for no one but, hey, you almost kinda had sex today!
Move To Boston
If you ‘re not gonna up and move to Dublin, then at least pack your bags and head to Dublin Jr. It ‘s home of some of the best Irish culture, like Mark Wahlberg and dudes who think it ‘s cool to get a Celtic symbol tattooed on their shoulder.
Warning: The girls here are SCARY. They wear pink Red Sox hoodies and love to use the f-word. (And not the one you ‘re thinking of ‘ the REAL BAD f-word. The use the other one, too, though.)
Celebrate the day by buying some property and staring a new life in Arlington.
Fight Someone Of The Opposite Sex
I don ‘t condone violence so just be cool about this one. Gentlemen, slap your old lady. Ladies, punch a random dude at the bar straight in the jaw. If you really wanna celebrate like the Irish, make sure the victim did nothing to deserve this or, better yet, is a complete stranger. See if you can get the argument to start over preferred sports teams or perceived lack of attractiveness.
Piss On Something Other Than A Toilet
Society mandates we use a bathroom 364 days a year. But on this, the high holy day, you can toss your dick or vagina anywhere and just go. Piss on a subway car, a homeless dude, a police horse ‘ the world is your urinal for 24 hours. If this act were any more Irish it would play the bagpipes.
It ‘s St. Patrick ‘s Day so you definitely need to cry at some point. Here ‘s how the schedule usually goes: 1) The night before, be REALLY excited. 2) Start boozing around 8 a.m., usually by pouring something into a Snapple bottle so you can drink it outside. 3) Be hammered by 11 a.m. And 4) Have something mildly not go your way or be slightly inconvenienced and just CRY YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT. Cry your fucking eyes out and don ‘t stop until your friend, we ‘ll call her Ashley cause every drunk girl ‘s best friend ‘s name is Ashley, takes you to Wendy ‘s. And then as soon as you eat, act like the crying was no big deal and that you ‘must ‘ve been hungry or something.”
Try Out A New Racial Slur!
You know that word you ‘ve always wanted to slip on for size but can ‘t bring yourself to even say in front of the bathroom mirror? Well today ‘s the day, my Irish friend! Wait till you like stub your toe or can ‘t find parking or whatever and then just let ‘er rip. It can be racial ‘ it can be about gay people ‘ it can be religion based ‘ the slur is completely up to you! Just make sure you use it on St. Patrick ‘s Day cause as soon as the sun goes down, those words go back to being MAJOR no-nos.
Tell Someone ‘Do You Know What Your REAL Problem Is?!”
All the best arguments include the question ‘Do you know what your REAL problem is?!” That ‘s because the arguer is about to introduce an issue that, thus far, has not been brought up. It ‘s going to be NEW information and it ‘s going to catch the other person completely off guard. When you hear someone say this, it means shit is about to get real and a relationship is about to irreparably change. Basically, it ‘s the most Irish thing you can do so ENJOY it.
(*If you do any of these besides the first two, you ‘re a bad person. Even the first two it ‘s like, ‘Alright dude ‘ c ‘mon.”)