By: Drunk Funny Or Die

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Drunk Article #19: St. Patrick’s Day At My Old Job Versus At Funny Or Die

I spent St. Patrick ‘s Day surrounded by drunks without leaving my office. Hi mom! I ‘m a comedy writer!

Hello, my name is Jesse Neil and this is my second week at Funny Or Die. Before this I was a Sales Comparables Analyst at a Commercial Real Estate Trending and Forecasting Firm. Below is a breakdown of how I spent St. Patrick ‘s Day at my two most recent places of employment.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ Arrive promptly at 9 a.m. and commence online research for market activity in Southeastern U.S. markets.

FOD ‘ Walk in at 10:20ish to find a mountain of beer and Jameson is being slowly consumed and has been since 9ish.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ Check daily leads from numerous respected real estate publications.

FOD ‘ Receive an e-mail asking me to publish a piece about a Playboy article that includes the words fuck, shit, bitch, and Azealia Banks. “Don ‘t forget to include pictures,” it reminds me. “Here ‘s one I did about a Taiwanese porn star for reference,” the e-mail says in a relaxed, non-real estate tone.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ Download and generate daily cap rates for publication.

FOD ‘ Somebody calls me a pussy for not doing a shot.

Sales Analyst Position ‘Enter 10 ’12 sales records for markets such as Houston, Tampa, and Chicago.

FOD ‘ Somebody else calls me a pussy for a very similar reason.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ I wonder if anybody is doing anything for St. Patrick ‘s Day. They are not.

FOD ‘ I do a Whippet.

Sales Analyst Position ‘Research REIT ‘s and major property owners ‘ quarterly reports to find leads on recent sales.

FOD ‘ My boss puts a 2 Chainz video on the office monitor. Somebody yells, “I think I just saw her clitoris.” It is my boss.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ Somebody in the next row of cubicles talks about how they can ‘t wait to get home and watch a mediocre CBS crime drama. A part of me dies.

FOD ‘ Clitoris guy brings me another whippet. A much more literal part of me dies.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ We have a meeting to talk about increasing productivity so we can meet demand goals for a large client we are trying to secure.

FOD ‘ Somebody makes another employee ‘s mouse cursor larger than it was before. Seven drunk people agree that this is the best thing that ‘s happened all day.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ I train a new employee on how to create source documents for all records of sale over $2 million.

FOD ‘ “The whippet balloon popped!” four people yell with genuine horror and sadness in their respective voices and eyes.

Sales Analyst Position ‘ I leave for the day having helped large investors make decisions regarding their realestate investments.

FOD ‘ Somebody asks, “Was she 18 yet?” as a Britney Spears music video plays on the TV.

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