By: Jesse Neil

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Five News Stories You Won’t Read Because You Only Clicked On This Link To Look At Pictures Of Nearly Nude Women

This woman will never sleep with you.

Everyday I come into this office and try to write about the news, and everyday you dumb fucking morons click on pictures of tits instead of reading about the world. Well fine. I give up. If you want to be an ignorant mass of Cheetos dust and Mountain Dew vapors, be my guest. Here you go, dummies. Here ‘s a bunch of pictures of scantily clad women to go along with your daily news. I hate you all.

This woman will never sleep with you.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ‘s statements regarding the impossibility of a two state solution to the Israel/Palestinian conflict spell trouble for peace talks between- Hey! Down here, asshole! Jesus Christ, you were just objectifying a woman instead of bettering yourself again, weren ‘t you? Weren ‘t you?! Keep it up, pal. Women just love a man who doesn ‘t have a goddamn thought in his dumb, living in his parents ‘ basement brain.

This woman will never sleep with you.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is attempting to thwart President Obama ‘s carbon emissions law on a state level. Did you know that? No! Of course you didn ‘t! Because instead of caring about the world, you were staring at a picture of Carmen Electra from 1998! Oh wow! Look how much of her boobs you can see!

Read a fucking book.

This woman will never sleep with you.

Holy shit, you can see her boobs and almost her butt at the same time! Ebola is still a serious issue in Sierra Leone, by the way.

This woman will never sleep with you.

Schools all over the nation are struggling to find substitute teachers, in what could be an unforeseen consequence of the improving economy. Though national statistics are still forthcoming ‘

Say one thing about what I just wrote. You can ‘t! You didn ‘t read it. You ‘re not reading this either! Okay. You ‘re everything that ‘s wrong with America. ISIS is terrible, but when they say they hate the West, I think about you and part of me is like, “I get it.”


A new report by the Pew Charitable Trust shows that the percentage of middle-class households has decreased in every single U.S. state since the year 2000.

Oh my god, you ‘re still looking at that word, aren ‘t you?

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