By: Pope Francis

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I Want To Tell You About The Miracle I Just Did!

Giving that relic the ol ‘ Smooch De La Miracle.

What ‘s up other popes?! I got some Good News for y ‘all that ain ‘t just the Word of God ‘ I did my first miracle!!

You know the Blood of St. Gennaro? It ‘s this vial of a saint ‘s blood they keep in a holy-silver-tennis-racket-thing. I kissed the vial and the hard blood turned to liquid, which I ‘m told is a miracle! I could imagine Cindy Crawford ‘s lips doing something like that, sure, but this old papa? That ‘s the real miracle!

Actually, I take it back ‘ the really real miracle is that I ‘m not freaking out more. HOLY SAINTS I MADE A MIRACLE, BABY!!

(Sure, the blood in the vial liquifies multiple times a year, but this is the first time it did it with a pope since ol ‘ Pius IX back in 1848 ‘ I ‘ll take it!)

It ‘s hard to describe how cool it is to do a miracle, especially this one. Sometimes I hold an ice cube in my hand and watch it melt, but this was way better.

When I was miracling the blood up, I ‘m pretty sure I felt different than usual. I was a little hungry, kinda sleepy, but I was focused on being holy, you know? I was pope-ing at all cylinders, so while I was surprised I made a miracle, I wasn ‘t bowled over, ya know? After all, the miracle wasn ‘t that I could whip up a miracle, although maybe it should have been ;).

What ‘s crazy is now I ‘m just two miracles away from sainthood. It ‘s every Catholic boy ‘s dream to be a part of the saint ‘s canon, even after learning canons aren ‘t cannons. And now, I ‘m so close!

I know what you ‘re thinking ‘ what ‘re my other two miracles gonna be? Well, in case it ‘s all I can do, here are some other liquid-based miracles I want to do:

MIRACLE IDEA 1: Kiss a car and have it turn into a strawberry milkshake.

MIRACLE IDEA 2: Kiss a trumpet and have it become whatever the liquid version of a trumpet is.

MIRACLE IDEA 3: Kiss a demon and watch it melt into a big puddle of V8. That shiz is the shiz.

AND if I can do miracles beyond solid-to-liquid? Whoa, boy, the sky ‘s the moon, baby! Check ’em out:

MIRACLE IDEA 4: Fly alongside an eagle for like 20 minutes.

MIRACLE IDEA 5: Start playing Super Mario World and all of a sudden Mario ‘s in a pope outfit and Yoshi is dressed as a priest, and instead of Mario tossing out little fireballs he tosses out little bouncing communion wafers.

MIRACLE IDEA 6: Win the hot dog eating contest.

MIRACLE IDEA 7: Bring back Abraham Lincoln for five minutes so I can hear what his voice sounds like (always been curious).

MIRACLE IDEA 8: Spend the night on a cloud.

MIRACLE IDEA 9: Give all the little blind babies of the world hawk vision 4 life.

MIRACLE IDEA 10: I make a cactus pop on a chair right before a bad guy sits down.

It would be so awesome if I nailed a couple of those. The only other thing I wish I could do is receive a pizza whenever I ‘m hungry. Wait a second!

I guess this pope ‘s a regular “Miracle Man.” Haha, JK (Jesus ‘ Kids). Take it easy other popes!

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