By: Mike Scollins

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Affordable Spring Break Alternatives

It ‘s finally Spring Break, but the cost for a week of fun in the sun is off the charts. Since none of us can afford seven days at The Atlantis in the Bahamas, here are the hottest AND MOST AFFORDABLE Spring Break 2015 destinations.

North Korea

Due to a bit of a “PR problem,” flights to North Korea have never been cheaper. Yes, there ‘s a good chance you might not make it home but, let ‘s be real, no one on Spring Break ever returns with the same amount of people they left with. Someone named Hannah always goes missing. My money this year ‘s on Hannah B., but there ‘s a very good chance it could be Hanna G. cause she ‘s so reckless. Anyways, this trip would be Kim Jong ILL.

Long Island

Save thousands while still being able to honestly tell your friends you went to an island! So long as they have no follow-up questions, you ‘re totally in the clear. Rumor has it that a new P.F. Chang ‘s just opened in Westbury! Jet Blue might have Terra Chips but Metro-North has businessmen that commute into the city to cheat on their wives!

Lincoln, Nebraska

The Turks and Cacaos of the Midwest. What it lacks in Se ‘or Frog ‘s and chicks making out with each other, it makes up for in CORN. That ‘s basically the same thing, right?! Fucking TONS of corn, dude, and Spirit Airlines will take you there for a song.

“New” Bermuda

You ‘ve heard of New Mexico. Well, meet New Bermuda! (This is really just a mall Hollister but we won ‘t tell if you don ‘t!)

The 4:05 Screening of Fifty Shades of Grey

This movie ‘s been out for a month now so anyone who wants to see it has already gone. That means for the price of a matinee ticket you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR TWO HOURS and NO ONE ‘S GONNA BOTHER YOU. An usher might walk in halfway through but then you can honestly tell your friends “WE SAW USHER!!”

The Library *(SPONSORED POST)*

If you think about it, your library card is kinda like your passport for the entire world! Sail the seven seas with Blackbeard; hunt for island foods with the Swiss Family Robinson; or even watch a homeless man masturbate into a public urinal! (Cause that happens a ton at the library, too. Seriously, they need better security.)

A Divorced Dad ‘s Apartment

A Divorced Dad is ALWAYS trying to make a good impression on teens. It ‘s a mix of midlife “I ‘m still cool!” crisis and the idea that an apartment full of kids is basically the same as spending time with the real children he ‘s only allowed to see on weekends. Things divorced dad ‘s love to do: eat pizza, leave old-school magazine pornography around like it ‘s a coffee-table book, and let you drink in the house “so long as no one ‘s driving.” Now THAT is a good Spring Break.

Grandma ‘s House!

C ‘mon! She misses you! It would be so nice if you stopped by sometime.


I mean, you were probably gonna end Spring Break here anyways so save the cash and cut out the US Airways middleman. Not only is going to jail free but you get to do something awesome first to get there. Rob a liquor store and you can even make a PROFIT this Spring Break. Who else can say THAT?!


Hard to believe these are the same photo, right?! But shit, anything looks good with an Instagram photo. Just upload these puppies and let folks assume you went somewhere. The one above I believe was created with “Earlybird.”

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