By: News

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The Complete Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street “Bring It On” Conversation

Warren vs Wall Street

Last week Reuters reported that banks like Citigroup and J.P. Morgan threatened to not donate to Democratic campaigns because of Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘s continued call for financial reform of Wall Street. With characteristic fortitude, Warren responded to the threats with a simple message: ‘Bring it on.” See below for the full conversation.

Wall Street: Hey Elizabeth, did you see that –
Elizabeth Warren: You can address me as ‘Senator Warren. ‘
WS: Oh, sorry. Um, Senator Warren, did you see that we threatened to not donate money to Democratic campaigns because of how mean you ‘re being to us big banks? What do you have to say to that, huh?
EW: Bring it on.
WS: Like the dance movie? We love that movie! But I don ‘t see what that has to do –
EW: No, that ‘s not what I ‘m saying. Also, that ‘s a competitive cheerleading movie, not a dance movie.
WS: Are you saying cheerleaders don ‘t dance? Cheerleaders totally dance. Us Wall Street boys like it when those cheerleaders dance.
EW: Gross, please stop – you ‘re drooling.
WS: Sorry.
EW: At any rate, I mean ‘bring it on” as in I won ‘t kowtow to your threats.
WS: Did you say cow town? Like Texas or something?
EW: I said ‘kowtow.” It means to act in subservience. And Texas is a state, not a town.
WS: Look, sorry we ‘re not all word smart like you, but words like ‘illegal” or ‘against regulations” just mean less to us than numbers and money and numbers about how much money we ‘re taking and stuff.
EW: Did you say ‘how much money we ‘re taking“?
WS: Um. Nope. Pretty sure we said ‘making.” How much money we ‘re making. Legally. And not at the expense of others we ‘ve tricked.
EW: You ‘re the worst.
WS: There it is again! Your anti-bank rhetoric!
EW: I am not anti-bank. I am anti-fraud. I am anti-corruption. Fraud and corruption are not synonyms for big banks. At least they shouldn ‘t be. Do you understand what I ‘m saying.
WS: ‘Yes?
EW: Look, the reform I ‘m calling for is simple. I ‘m really only asking for two things. One, banks shouldn ‘t be able to cheat people out of their money. Two, no financial institution should be able to risk destroying the economy because it ‘s too big to fail.
WS: But we are too big to fail. Excuse our language but, like, if the government allowed one of us big banks to fail after we got greedy and messed some shit up with risky or fraudulent money practices? Hoo boy, that would fuck some shit up for everybody. We ‘re incentivized to take risks and push the boundaries of what is legal, and then if we get caught or push too far the government bails us out, nobody goes to jail, and everybody gets a bonus. It ‘s a pretty sweet arrangement for us to be honest.
EW: And that ‘s what I want to change.
WS: Stop.
EW: No, I won ‘t stop. I ‘m going to hold Wall Street accountable.
WS: Please stop?
EW: No.
WS: Ugh, you are being such a kowtow right now.

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