By: Matt Klinman
‘Hold Up, PacSun, What Am I Supposed To Wear Now?” By A Guy Doing A Handstand On A Skateboard
Whoa whoa whoa, PacSun, hold up dudes! Don ‘t stop selling that shirt with the upside-down flag on it! I know everyone is freaking out at you guys cuz they think the shirt is a symbol of anarchy and hating america and all that but, DUDES, THEY HAVE IT ALL WRONG! I love America and that ‘s why am I wearing your shirt while I do this skateboard handstand on the boardwalk!
Bros, I totally get why everyone is losing their shit but, think about it. When I ‘m upside-down cruising on my board with this shirt on, the flag is right side up. If I didn ‘t wear this shirt, and instead wore a regular American Flag t-shirt, then right now, while I am doing this skateboard handstand, THAT ‘S when it would look like I am hating America. Think about it, homies, don ‘t you want me to be repping ‘merica when I am at my gnarliest? When my hands are firmly planted on my grip tape and I am grinding down a 10-stair rail like I ‘m a dope train? I ride around upside-down like this for 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I ‘ve trained my brain not to be hurt by the blood that rushes into it. I ‘m that good.
Hold on, lemme do an ollie with my hands. [The man writing this opinion piece has done an ollie with his hands].
‘But the shirt was on display on MEMORIAL DAY,” you guys are all yelling. ‘What about the troops?” Dudes, dudes: Me, upside-down, wearing a shirt showing the flag right side up is THE ULTIMATE tribute to our troops! When I get done being upside-down on this Fucking Awesome skateboard, send me on a USO tour with all those chicks, man, the troops are gonna lose their shit and we ‘ll finally win Iraq! That ‘s my foreign policy. ISIS? Hell I ‘m sponsored by Isis, the skateboard company. Bring Isis to ISIS, man. I dare those fucks to try to behead me while I am upside-down doing my thing. I can kick HARD like 4 or 5 times before I even fall. And I ‘ve rode on the beach before so all that sand doesn ‘t even phase me.
I know, America is all about the outrage these days, man, believe me, I was right there when we were all hating on cops. Cops treat skateboarders the same as black people in this country so I get it. Fuck cops, Skater Lives Matter. But this shirt, man, this shirt was fine! A$AP Rocky made it and, dude, that guy is as American as it gets. Any other country, no one would listen to that dude. But here, hell yeah, we let dudes like that do whatever they want and it rules!
Upside-down kick flip! [The man writing this opinion piece has done an upside-down kick-flip].
I don ‘t wanna get on The High Horse or whatever and make this about free speech because, that ‘s now what this is about for me. To me, this is just about a dude who loves skateboarding upside-down finally finding a t-shirt that lets him show off his favorite country while doing what he does best: be upside-down on a skateboard ripping sick tricks. And if this country doesn ‘t dig on being honored in that way, then dude, maybe we should be flipping the flag cuz, dog, that is bullshit and America is better than that and WHOA WAIT BRANCH ON THE SIDEWALK AHHH!!
[The man who wrote this opinion piece has fallen].