By: Dan Abramson

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don’t-open-til-i ‘m-dead.doc

My children. If you ‘re reading this, I have passed 🙁

I bet you ‘re pretty bummed. So bummed that you ‘ll have trouble crafting my eulogy or planning my funeral. Not to worry, I have taken care of everything. It is my dying wish that you use the below as a guide when handling my affairs.

Love, Dad


Type of Coffin: Padded, with wifi

Dress: I would like to be buried in my I Heart NY shirt. I want the cool, new ghosts I meet to be like, ‘Whoa, this guy has been to and hearted NY.” Little will they know that I have never been to NY.


‘ Yourselves
‘ Dave from work
‘ Not your mother. I want her to enjoy herself and not have to worry bout public speaking.
‘ My brother Darrell, if there ‘s time (I don ‘t mind if we run long)
‘ Bill Clinton, if he ‘s avail

Key Phrases I Hope Are Used In My Eulogy:

‘ Great father
‘ Famously won lots of prizes
‘ He died knowing that everyone who he thought didn ‘t like him, in fact, liked him and thought he was great
‘ Whistled after sex
‘ Always found time for showers
‘ Never once pronounced ‘deus ex machina ‘ correctly but it ‘s okay because he rarely said it in front of company he thought would judge him
‘ Read a lot of magazines
‘ Mini-fridge filled with loose pudding
‘ Hated forests
‘ Whistled before sex
‘ Of all the bears, it was the softest bear
‘ The most harmonicas
‘ Sick dunk over his enemy
‘ Whistled during sex
‘ It was the one time he had sex
‘ Even Ellen DeGeneres was impressed (please follow this up with an excuse as to why she is not in attendance ‘ Emmys or something)
‘ If anyone ‘s seen his wallet he had all the tickets to tomorrow ‘s concert in there

Finances: Assuming you read my previous document, READ-THIS-FIRST-IF-I ‘M-DEAD.doc, you have already exchanged my life savings into a what hopefully can be deemed a ‘tower” of $50 iTunes gift cards. Please fill my coffin with these.

Music: Is music played at funerals? I can never remember. Anyway, you ‘ll find my cover of Jamiroquai ‘s ‘Virtual Insanity” on this computer. This can be used as my exit music as the pallbearers carry me out. Please reference the folder ‘Hot Babes” when choosing which hot babes to use as the pallbearers.

Funeral Procession: I actually love that whole tradition of everyone driving with their headlights on to the cemetery. Do that, but if everyone could install black lights into their cars, that ‘d be chill.

What Do With My Body: I know it seems at this point that I have chosen to buried, rather than have my body cremated. This is only partly true. After my coffin is lowered into the burial plot, douse me in the lighter fluid you purchased after reading the file ‘A-Few-Last-Minute-Chores-To-Take-Care-Of-Before-I-Die.xls” and play Track 1 on the playlist titled ‘Bonfire Rock.” You guys should have a great time. This day isn ‘t only about me.

Obituary: I will not tell you what to say for this. This one is for you to write from the heart. I only request that you use a photograph from the folder titled ‘Me Dominating At Skeeball – Jun ’06.”

Well, that should cover everything. I know this is difficult to read, but hopefully I ‘ll outlive you both and none of this will matter.

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