By: News

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Now That We Have Their DNA Let’s Clone Those Escaped Prisoners

Evidently, David Sweat and Richard Matt, the convicted murderers who escaped from Clinton Correctional Facility in Upstate New York, have given authorities the slip yet again, as the search for the pair of dangerous criminals extends into its third week.

But this time, their DNA was found in a burglarized cabin 20 miles from the prison they escaped from. So it ‘s abundantly clear what absolutely has to be done here: Law enforcement needs to clone these two men, immediately.

The reasons for this are, by and large, two-pronged. Firstly, there is the justice/punishment aspect. We have to face facts that we may never catch these two murderers, and if that ‘s the case, it ‘s just going to eat us up inside. But if we imprison the convicts ‘ clones and make them serve out their progenitors ‘ sentences (plus the added time for escaping prison), then we can all rest easy, knowing that the right thing has been done. Imagine the satisfaction we ‘ll all feel after the state raises the murderers ‘ clone-babies to the respective ages that the original men were when they escaped, and then chucking those clones in a maximum-security prison for the rest of their lives.

That ‘s good justice.

Secondly, we can use another set of clones to track the criminals ‘ after all, who knows better what these men are going to do next than their own replicas? We just have to put a sweaty T-shirt belonging to the original criminals under the clones ‘ noses and BOOM! They ‘ll take off like a shot after ’em, like bloodhounds, probably!

Granted, with current cloning technology, the escapees are going to have about a 40-year headstart. But can you imagine when those criminals are in their 80s, and younger versions of themselves knock on their door and tackle them to the ground? The looks on their (the original murderers ‘) faces will be so damn priceless.

But we shouldn ‘t stop there. If Jurassic World has taught us anything, we ‘ll be able to splice in chameleon and snake DNA to create some really interesting, venomous, self-camouflaging murderers. With these super-murderer clones of themselves on their tails, the convicts won ‘t stand a chance!

Also, with the Komodo dragon and shark DNA that will be inside them, these clones will be able to procreate internally and spontaneously, and give live birth to exact replicas of themselves. So we ‘ll really only have to clone them just the one or two times ‘ in other words, this whole project essentially pays for itself.

By about 2050, America should be made up of roughly 85-percent prisoner clones. Those bastards won ‘t have anywhere to hide then, when millions of mutant versions of themselves are running around, hissing and spraying venom everywhere!

So do the right thing here, law enforcement. Clone these criminals.

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