By: Matt Klinman

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Raccoon Roundup: The Best Stuff Found In The Garbage This Week

Raccoon Columnist

Hey there fellow bandits, it ‘s once again time for the Raccoon Roundup of all the coolest stuff our loyal raccoon readers found in the garbage cans of America this week.

In Wide Open Garbage Bin on Greenman St, Haddon Township, NJ – Full Rotisserie Chicken: Must have fallen on the floor or maybe someone had to be rushed to the hospital right before it was supposed to be eaten. Reports are the skin was crispy and the meat so tender it would fall apart in your paws. De-Lish! Found by Toby

Covered But Easily Knocked Over Garbage Bin on El Monte Dr, Concord, CA – Pound Of Lox: Looks like someone was playing at being jewish but couldn ‘t handle their shit. It was warm and a little crumpled but apparently the perfect level of salty. Mazel Tov to the lucky Raccoons who found this gem. Found by Lil ‘ Chili

Dumpster By The Church on 36th St, Brooklyn, NY – Dead Cat: Hell yeah, fuck cats. Found by Ricky Sticks

Pile Of Garbage By I-76 Outside Philadelphia – Pizza!!: If I told you a couple lucky coons found a whole damn pizza on the side of the highway would you believe me? I wouldn ‘t but I know the bandits who reported this and they ain ‘t liars. Maybe a delivery guy decided to quit in the middle of a job? Or a dude on a motorcycle bringing pizza to his gang lost control of his bike? Who knows, point is FULL SAUSAGE PIZZA. Found by Micky and Lucy

Dumpster Behind Eleanor Roosevelt High School, Greenbelt, MD – Tons of Old Meat: Now look, I know old meat isn ‘t something you usually write home about, I mean it ‘s good stuff but it ‘s standard fare. What makes this old meat special is how much was found. We ‘re getting reports of maybe A HUNDRED pounds of this stuff! Maybe it ‘s tainted or maybe just the school ordered too much, who knows WHO CARES! Bandits are coming from miles around to feast on this bounty and word is there is still plenty of it left! Bon Appetit! Found by Melon

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