By: Simon Johnston
We here at the Waller County Sheriff ‘s Department are broken up about Cecil the Lion, who was taken from us suddenly, and without warning. Even though obviously we are busy here with the investigation surrounding Sandra Bland ‘s death and the new evidence emerging about it, but hey, let us focus on that, y'all can stop paying attention to us, why don ‘t we all just instead pay attention to this other news story, because it ‘s the most important headline out there, and there is nothing else that deserves our nation ‘s attention quite like this.
The Waller County Sheriff ‘s Department condemns all violence, especially violence against big cats. We think that what happened to that poor lion is despicable and the man responsible should be tried, and convicted to the fullest capacity of the law for as long as it takes. To reiterate: we also think the media should cover nothing but this for the next couple of months or so, because it ‘s super important, and there ‘s nothing else going on, and this story needs our undivided attention.
We recommend that Americans everywhere block out all other news stories, no matter how hard that may be, and focus solely on the fact that one of God ‘s most majestic creatures was shot down and taken from his family, and loved ones. Cecil did nothing to deserve what happened to him. He wasn ‘t committing a major and incredibly dangerous traffic violation, or blowing smoke in someone ‘s face, and he ‘s a lion so there ‘s no way he was mouthy and disrespectful. He was just minding his own business.
Even though Cecil died, we can take solace in the fact that this story is getting the news coverage it deserves.
We are ecstatic at the media ‘s willingness to cover nothing but this story and are imploring all major news networks to air 24/7 news coverage of Cecil ‘s story for a really long time. How long you ask? To give you something to compare it to, just hypothetically, we ‘d say about the same amount of time as an independent federal investigation into someone ‘s mysterious and tragic death in a jail cell after a traffic stop.