By: Kristy Lopez-Bernal
Netflix has announced that it will provide all of its employees with unlimited paid maternity and paternity leave for the first year after after a child ‘s birth or adoption. One Netflix employee is particularly eager to take advantage of his company ‘s new perk, and he ‘s sent out a company-wide memo to see if anyone else is interested in joining him.
In case you don ‘t know me, my name is Seth. I work as an engineer in the film personalization algorithm department, and my favorite movie is The Rock.
As you all know, our super awesome company Netflix just got even more awesome when it announced that it will be providing unlimited maternity and paternity leave for anyone who has a baby. As such, I have a proposal: I want to impregnate each and every woman who works at Netflix.
Need a baby daddy, female Netflix employee? Seth ‘s right here for you.
The more babies, the more paternity leave for me, right? I figure that if I keep having babies, I can keep collecting my Netflix paycheck and never ever return to work. But the trick is, I can ‘t impregnate you all at the same time. No, I gotta spread you ladies out.
So here ‘s my detailed plan: Every three months, I will impregnate one of you. There are roughly 1,000 women working at Netflix, so that means I ‘ll have enough of you to impregnate for 250 years, which is comfortably longer than my life expectancy of 87.4 years. If you ‘re interested ‘ which of course you are ‘ you ‘ll sign up to be considered for an impregnation slot. I will not be selecting women on a first-come, first-served basis. Selection will be done via an in-depth and complicated interview and algorithm process where I determine how hot I think you are, because duh. But married women are welcome and encouraged to apply!
Once selected for an impregnation slot, you will be expected to come over to my condo during lunch every day for one month. There, we will do it on my futon while watching The Rock. Make sure to bring your own lunch because I only have enough Hot Pockets and Doritos for myself. Only one rule: no falling in love.
And what ‘s in it for you? Well, obviously this is a total win-win because once you have that baby, you get to take a year off too! Also, you totally get baby naming rights, although I do hear that Seth Jr. is a really nice name.
I ‘ve left a signup sheet on the sixth floor micro-kitchen taped above the microwave that Paul uses to cook his disgusting-smelling fish every day ‘ I ‘ll send a company-wide memo about that later. For right now, there are only 100 slots on my signup sheet, so make sure you get to that micro-kitchen fast.
Looking forward to procreating with you all!
P.S. I will NOT cover the costs or raise that baby with you.