By: Matt Dwyer

| | | | | |

An Open Letter From A Polar Bear: “I’m The Fuck Out Of Here”

With glaciers melting at the fastest rate on record and Shell Oil drilling in the Arctic, environmentalists are more alarmed than ever. Our ecosystem is quickly weakening and it ‘s affecting every living animal on Earth.

In fact, humans are not the only creatures concerned with declining conditions. One polar bear reached out to humanity in hopes of waking us up.

A Polar Bear

Dear People,

I think it ‘s cute that you humans post pictures of polar bears floating around on a hunk of ice like we accidentally ended up there. It wasn ‘t hap stance or some silly blunder. We ‘re escaping. That ‘s right, I bloodied my cute bear paws digging an iceberg loose so I could float the fuck out of here. What am I supposed to do, hang out here while Shell drills my home into oblivion or until the waters get so hot I get cooked like a lobster? Hopping an iceberg to freedom is a polar bear ‘s only choice. Believe me, if we knew how drive a boat or were allowed on planes you would be fighting a bear for the armrest. Actually, there wouldn ‘t be a fight because you ‘d be the in-flight snack.

You ‘d better get ready for us because there are thousands of bears floating to your hometown. For the record, we ain ‘t those cute bears in the circus ridding around on a tricycle or twirling in a tutu. No siree Bob. We are big shit-taking, tear your garbage up, swallow your terrier, Waffles, whole bears. And if we piss on something that means we own it. You gonna tell a bear a Prius isn ‘t his even if he can ‘t drive the goddamned thing? I don ‘t think so.

Personally, I wouldn ‘t mind landing in Paris. I have heard the people are very open-minded and accepting of those who are different from them. It was the first place Miles Davis felt comfortable. I figure if Parisians welcomed a hopped-up jazz musician who was known to punch his wives, they can accept a carnivorous bear. I think I ‘d look pretty good sitting in a cafe sipping on a dry Burgundy smoking Gitane ‘s whilst discussing the works of Baudelaire or Hemingway.

Of course, this is a fantasy because I can ‘t read or smoke. I ‘m a bear. What I can do is barrel down the Champs Elysees pulling off the limbs of accordion players and swatting the heads off of tourists because I ‘m one pissed off mother fucking bear who had to leave his home due to human irresponsibility.

People, this carnage is your fault. All you had to do was heed the warnings of global warming, but you didn ‘t and now you have infuriated bears headed your way. However, we bears are just the beginning. If you finish that Exxon pipeline you ‘re gonna have pissed off snakes, lions, cougars, beavers, squirrels ‘ the list goes on and on. Get it together people or you ‘ll be the ones in a zoo.


A Polar Bear

Similar Posts