By: Matt Dwyer

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Rick Perry’s Yard Sale

Rick Perry ‘s Republican presidential campaign is having financial troubles and has stopped paying campaign staffers, sources reported Monday. As a result, Perry ‘s campaign has had to turn to drastic measures to raise funds.


Dear Followers, Constituents, Fellow Politicians and Anyone With Cash,

As you know my recent run for the Republican nomination had the life span of a gnat. Sure, I thought with the new glasses and decades of experience running for political office this would be my year. I was wrong. In fact, my bid was as welcomed as a Spin Doctors reunion tour. My campaign was so unwanted that I couldn ‘t get Texas oil barons with endless funds to donate a small sum to my campaign and I ‘m the former governor of Texas!

Needless to say, I am broke, like so broke I can ‘t pay any of my staff. I tried to push some of them off on other candidates, but they still insist on getting the money I owe them. To do so I have decided to have a yard sale.

Believe me there is tons of great Rick Perry stuff you can get for pennies. I ‘m not kidding just drop some pennies on the ground, grab something and go on your way.

Who wouldn ‘t want some of old campaign merchandise and office supplies like twenty thousand Rick Perry 2016 shirts, buttons and bumper stickers. All going for a dollar each or all 20,000 items for a hundred dollars. You can even grab something and leave a bottle we can return for the deposit. We are that desperate.

I ‘m selling photos of me on the campaign trail. There are photos of me with a pistol, with a rifle, me on a horse with a rifle and a pistol. For an extra fifty cents I ‘ll autograph the photos. However, I have been informed my signature decreases the resale value.

I have tons of unused speeches that have never been spoken. You can buy speeches for Iowa, New Hampshire, even a Republican Nomination acceptance speech. These can be yours for $1 or $5 for all. If you like send me your name and I can personally write your name in place of where mine once was.

Since I will be working in the private sector my opinions and ideas are worthless to me. If you like you can take my antiquated talking points about women, immigration, welfare, human rights, taxes, and the education system. For a small fee you too can be narrow minded. Keep in mind these ideas are only good for running for local offices, but if that ‘s all you desire than these are for you!

Believe it or not I am an intelligent man who has said some horribly inaccurate and uneducated things. However, if your career depended on the people of Texas you too would say some crazy ass shit like, gays shouldn ‘t marry, Planned Parenthood is an evil entity funded by the government and how we must secure our borders. Speaking of which, has anyone ever presented facts on how Mexican immigrants are a vital threat to our country? Hell no! We just know saying the word illegals” stokes the flames of racism!

I will also be selling my records. For a few dollars or your best offer you can have these records. Rick Perry ‘s Travel, Records of Rick Perry Phone Calls, Records by Herb Albert and The Tijuana Brass, Records of Hawaiian Waters Sounds and an old musty copy of The Guinness Book of World Records

So please, come by my offices this Saturday at 8:00 A.M.and beat the rush to by all my stuff. All proceeds go to a worthwhile cause of the poor people who chose to believe America really wanted me as president. I look forward to seeing you.

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