By: Ben Wietmarschen
The NFL enters the 2015 season at an all-time popularity high. But with that popularity comes extra scrutiny to make sure everything possible is being done to ensure both the safety of the players on the field and the fun and excitement of the NFL ‘s millions of viewers around the world. In response to the scrutiny, here is a list of new rules the NFL has decided to add this season.
1. All players are allowed to consult with a doctor over earpiece during gameplay.
This allows players to know if dizziness and loss of eyesight in their left eye is serious without missing any of the action!
2. One player on each team is not allowed to wear pads.
Will players choose to protect their teammate or ignore his safety and try to score like normal? A compelling moral dilemma to add to the exciting play-making.
3. All helmets this season will be four times the width of previous models to prevent the most common, lateral helmet-to-helmet injuries.
They will be approximately the size and shape of a couch cushion.
4. Helmet face masks will all be changed to the single-bar model that punters used to wear in the ’80s.
Now you ‘ll be able to recognize what your favorite player looks like when he ‘s ripping a running back ‘s leg off.
5. Players are not allowed to jump.
Players are never more vulnerable to injury than when they are off the ground, so now it ‘s illegal.
6. The goal line is three-feet high.
Eliminates confusion about if the ball got in or not.
7. Men with big bodies will be socially shamed into thinking they should lose weight.
The increase in professional football injuries has been largely due to players becoming so big and fast that they cause too much damage when they hit. While losing weight will not be mandatory, the NFL will make a concerted, long-term effort to psychologically manipulate players into thinking they need to look thin and sexy in a bathing suit to be accepted by their peers.
8. After every touchdown an American soldier from the scoring team ‘s city will be allowed a surprise, electrifying homecoming with his or her family at the 50-yard line.
Important note: Soldiers from Cleveland, Ohio, should prepare for another year in Afghanistan.
9. Offensive linemen have to be a group of best friends that grew up in the same neighborhood.
With modern free agency and increased player turnover, it ‘s rare you get to root for a group of guys who literally grew up together. So now it ‘s mandatory.
10. Players are allowed to put up to three band stickers on their helmets.
Green Day, Blink 182, Rancid, even Anti-Flag. Any bands they want!
11. Tripping is allowed now.
Seems safer than tackling. We ‘ll see ‘
12. Offensive players get their own walk-up song and the stadium plays it as each player, one by one, walks up to the line of scrimmage before every play.
Green Day, Blink 182, Rancid, even Anti-Flag. Any song they want!
13. Players are still not allowed to celebrate a touchdown by dunking the ball over the goalpost crossbar because the goalpost could be bent or even fall, endangering other players on the field or even spectators.
But if a player were to attempt this and a defensive player swats his weak-ass shit away, the refs will turn a blind eye.
14. Shoulder pads are allowed to have spikes glued onto them like the Legion of Doom had.
This rule change will effectively eliminate shoulder injuries!
15. Referees will yell ‘breast cancer!” before every penalty announcement.
This rule change will effectively eliminate breast cancer!
16. If a team is going to shave and dress a bear and put him in at linebacker, the coach has to inform the official.
No team has attempted this yet, but it ‘s just a matter of time and everyone needs to be on the same page when it happens.
17. Spectators seated in the lower bowl of stadiums will be expected to hold up giant colored cards throughout the game that, together as a collage, make the Draft Kings logo.
Gambling on football is the only thing more fun and exciting than watching football.
18. Make the ball softer.
This might prevent a few injuries maybe. Right?