By: Roger Goodell
Recently there ‘s been a lotta brouhaha about how I ‘m not going to the Pats/Steelers opener tonight. My absence is unprecedented as the NFL commissioner always hits up the first game of the season. So I know you ‘re wondering why and I ‘ll be straight up ‘ I ‘m just really fuckin ‘ bummed out. Bummed out by those JERKS in New England! Going over my head and getting my decision to suspend Tom Brady for four games was a super shitty thing to do. How do you think it makes me look when my authority is taken to the courts?! I ‘m the g-d boss over here and what I say should go! But honestly it seems like all you guys EVER do is question my decisions. ‘Oh why did he only suspend Ray Rice for two games?!”, ‘Oh why did he help the Patriots cover up Spygate?”, ‘Oh why ‘d he say Aaron Hernandez should still be allowed to play and also get a big ol ‘ raise for bein ‘ a good guy?” (That last one hasn ‘t come out yet, I just figured I ‘d get ahead of it. Nothin ‘ wrong with a man who goes after what he wants.)
So I ‘m just like SAD is all, OK? I mean, look at this ESPN report! Do you see all the nice things I ‘ve done for the Pats?! I shredded papers ‘ I destroyed videos ‘ all these things I do for my boy Billy B and THIS is how he repays me?! By going over my head like this?! Wow, dude. Wow. And it ‘s like, yeah, it ‘s crazy you get four games for taking air out of a ball and two games for beating your wife senseless but that ‘s MY call not YOURS. I ‘m the one who ‘s in charge. We used to be BFF but now you ‘re not even on the Christmas card list. (Oh, are you upset by that? Gonna take this one to the court, too?! ‘Judge, I ‘m mad! Make him give me a Christmas card!” Ugh, fuckin ‘ baby is what you are.)
So what am doing with my Thursday night tonight? I ‘m watching Project Runway. There ‘s a new episode on at 10. I don ‘t even like the dang show, it just seems like the furthest thing from football and I ‘m not tryin ‘ to support whiny bitches are AREN ‘T MY REAL FRIENDS. MAYBE if you apologize, I ‘ll CONSIDER coming to Super Bowl L.(Yes, that deal we have where you ‘re automatically in the Super Bowl is still on the table. I ‘m not a monster.) But, until then, consider us FINISHED, Bill. I ‘ve even ripped off the friendship bracelet you gave me when I had those diagrams of the Steelers defensive signals you stole in 2002 destroyed! And it hurts me, it really does. I didn ‘t WANT to suspend your boy for four games. He ‘s a great draw and his wife ‘s hella good to look at. But until you can understand that my hands were tied on this one, I can ‘t be around you.
In closing, my absence tonight is not because it ‘d be a distraction. I love being a distraction. I ‘m a terrible fucking person who should have resigned a long time ago but I can ‘t give up the spotlight! My absence is ’cause I ‘m just really effin bummed out.
Happy Football, ya pricks.