By: Jackie Jennings

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The Official Pope-chella Survivor ‘s Guide

What ‘s up, Catholics!? It ‘s that time of the decade: Pope-chella! Starting Sept. 22nd Pope Francis, aka The Dope Pope, lands in the U.S. and kicks off Pope-chella 2015. Pope-chella is six days of ragin ‘ masses and killer public appearances sure to leave God-heads everywhere glowing with the holy light of spiritual peace for years to come. We want to make sure you want to get the most blessings, absolutions, and prayers out of the Pope ‘s visit so keep reading.

Bring water – We recommend one bottle for drinking and one bottle for blessing. The Pope will usually do a big, generalized blessing of stuff and you ‘ll want some holy water of your very own. Just remember do not drink the holy water or your insides will turn into righteous flames of absolution!

Fuel up with snacks! No one is going to be serving up free loaves and fishes at Pope-chella events so bring some apple slices. And if anyone is serving up free loaves and fishes don ‘t eat it.

Be ready for crowds: Bring your best be-attitude to the events. Crowds at Pope-chella come from all over the world so etiquette can be tough. Weeping Polish ladies are a pill to deal with anytime ‘ a sea of them can be a lot! So remember your Ecclesiastes: ‘A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” In other words, ‘Be chill.”

Have a game plan: Know in advance which masses are a must, what sins you need absolved, etc. If the Pope randomly decides to hear your confession you don ‘t want to be like, ‘Ummmm, I was mean to my sister” only to realize later you ‘ve had dozens of extramarital affairs you want off your soul. So plan ahead!

Camping is the way to go: You can rent an Airbnb OR you can save a collection basket ‘s worth of money and camp. D.C., New York, and Philly all have terrible issues with homelessness so you can pitch a tent pretty much anywhere and see the Pope ‘s events firsthand, hassle free.

Dress to impress: Style is a HUGE part of Pope-chella so make sure to bring your fashion A-Game. Modest cuts and muted colors will dominate this Pope-chella (leave the red mini-dress at home, ladies!). Remember, the Church ‘s most beloved figures generally wear old rags and Birks so take your cues from the pros!

There are so many more tips to share (Stop taking your birth control, priests can smell it!) but experiencing Pope-chella, mistakes and all, is really the (Holy) spirit of the event. Have a blast out there, take lots of pictures and stay hella blessed!

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