By: Dan Abramson
John Boehner’s Email Announcing His Retirement
Speaker of the House John Boehner announced he ‘ll be stepping down after a tumultuous run. Here is the email blast he sent out to his party members.
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: team@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Friends. It is with great sadness that I announce that I am ret
From: Ted Cruz [HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
K cool bye
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: team@republicans.com
cc: HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Jesus, I accidentally sent that before I finished writing yet you somehow already responded? What I ‘m trying to say is that after many years and many hard fought battles with that conniving Ob
From: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
cool no prob bye
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Obama. I meant to say Obama.
From: Kevin McCarthy [IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, WaterLover69@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Hi u shud retire u r old
Sincerely,
the guy who wants your job
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Kevin McCarthy [IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, WaterLover69@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
That ‘s what I ‘m trying to tell you guys but I ‘m trying to do my emails on this goddamn Dell computer and it keeps sending them before I ‘m ready!
From: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
lol dell. anyway i agree with kev. u shut retire
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
I AM RETIRING. I AM RETIRING IN OCTOBER BUT I WISH IT WAS TODAY. I HATE THIS GOVERNMENT AND I HATE ALL OF YOU. ALL I DID WAS TRY. I TRIED TO NOT SHUT THIS GOVERNMENT DOWN AND NOBODY LIKED IT. SO THEN I TRIED MAKING FACES BEHIND OBAMA DURING HIS SPEECHES AND NOBODY LIKED IT. I TRIED DEFENDING OUR GOVERNMENT FOR YOU. THEN I TRIED NOT SHUTTING THIS THING DOWN AGAIN AND NOBODY LIKED IT.
From: Ted Cruz [HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, WaterLover69@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Did you try crying?
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Ted Cruz [HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, WaterLover69@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
YES I TRIED CRYING
From: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
I know this may seem impossible to tell if because we ‘re just emailing, but you ‘re crying right now, aren ‘t you?
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Marco Rubio [WaterLover69@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com, IWantYourJobMyNameIsKevinMcCarthy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Yes I am an emotional man. Fuck this. I ‘m out of here. This is your problem. I ‘m moving to the beach.
From: Donald Trump [MakeEmailGreatAgain@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Hey guys, just got this. Who is this guy? I have never heard of him and he is a loser.
From: Ted Cruz [HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com]
To: Donald Trump [MakeEmailGreatAgain@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, GavelBoy@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Here ‘s a picture of him at the beach that I found.
From: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
To: Donald Trump [MakeEmailGreatAgain@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
That is not me. It looks like you photoshopped my face on Seth Rogen ‘s body. I think you all know that.
From: Donald Trump [MakeEmailGreatAgain@republicans.com]
To: John Boehner [GavelBoy@republicans.com]
cc: team@republicans.com, HeyHeyNoGay@republicans.com
Subject: With great sadness
Tremendous pic.
Josh, it ‘s got your name on it. That ‘s all the documentation I need.
P.S. I plan on making all your email addresses public. I am Trump.
