By: John Harris
What Our Werewolf Readers Can Expect From Sunday’s Supermoon Lunar Eclipse
This weekend, earth will be afforded a rare celestial treat ‘a full lunar eclipse at the same time as the Supermoon ‘the point in the moon ‘s orbit when it passes closes to our planet. Naturally, many of our werewolf readers are probably wondering, ‘what can I expect from the Supermoon lunar eclipse?”
Well, it ‘s not actually remarkably different from what you experience during any other full moon; of course, you ‘ll undergo the same grotesque transformation into a supernatural part-wolf, part-human killing machine that you do every month. However, you will notice a few key differences. For instance, because this will be a Supermoon, you will become a much larger werewolf than you normally would become. An easy rule of thumb is to take into account roughly what size inhuman hell monster you normally transform into, and then figure on becoming about 35-percent larger and stronger.
So, if you ‘re planning to chain yourself to the wall in your basement before the full moon, this means you ‘ll need to buy chains and restraints that will be able to withstand your greater size and strength ‘not that that garbage they sell at Home Depot ever really seems to work anyway, right? Ha!
Interestingly enough, this phenomenon is thought to be due to the same processes by which you turn into a little tiny werewolf when a full moon occurs at its farthest point from earth in its orbit. Scientists are still unsure what the connection is between the original ancient satanic curse that created the first werewolf and the gravitational pull of the moon in terms of its effects on shapeshifter size, but many theories propose that it has some relationship to Dark Matter background radiation and virgin ‘s blood.
You should also know, since this will be an lunar eclipse situation, you werewolves will have to plan for other contingencies. Much like when the full moon goes behind a cloud and you revert back to human form, the same will happen for up to an hour during the lunar eclipse. So, if you don ‘t want to wake up nude in a Wal-Mart parking lot covered in blood after having just ripped a family of five to pieces, do your best to isolate yourself far from civilization until the eclipse is over. You ‘ll have plenty of time to go rampaging as a giant werewolf after the moon is no longer obscured by the earth ‘s shadow, so try to think ahead a little bit and you ‘ll avoid some embarrassing scenarios.
Other than that, if you take the usual precautions to make sure your blind, bloodthirsty werewolf wrath is visited on livestock and drifters instead of your loved ones, you should get through the Supermoon lunar eclipse just fine!
Ted Cruz 2016!