By: Keith Saltojanes

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NASA finally held their press conference letting the World know about their major science finding from the ongoing exploration of Mars. Turns out there is flowing water on the planet. Pretty cool. But what about the stuff they didn ‘t say? NASA has been known to keep secrets from the public, so what aren ‘t they telling us? Well, you ‘re in luck, because we have them for you here.

NASA press conference

10) Mars is actually just a trash heap sent to space by Russia.
“Years prior to Russia sending the first man into space, they needed to test their launch capabilities, and what better way than to send large piles of garbage into orbit. The country requested all disposable waste from Russian citizens tobe dropped off near the launch site by a designated time. Then, into space it went, creating a red-ball we know as Mars.”

Russian garbage = new planet

9) The planet is now to be called Earth 2, and will air on NBC for one season.
‘Since Mars is the closest planet to Earth, our scientists decided to rename it Earth 2. NBC heard early rumors of the title change and signed on for a one-season order to reboot the old television series from the early 90s.”

Before you ask, yes, Tim Curry will be reprising his role of Gaal.

8) The name MARS is actually an acronym that stands for: Manmade Artificial Rover Surface
‘After the United States faked the moon landing in 1969 (wait, did we never come out and say that?), we needed another event to show America is still the leaders in the ongoing Space Race. So in the same sound stage where Aldrin and Armstrong ‘landed” on the moon, we constructed M.A.R.S. the Manmade Artificial Rover Surface where we would eventually ‘land” ‘rovers” upon its ‘surface.” Hey, it ‘s better than the other possible acronym, Maybe Actually Rick Santorum.”

Um, just pretend you didn ‘t see this picture, OK?

7) The term Martians is offensive to Aliens from Venus. The new PC term is Outer-Beings
‘Clumping all extra-terrestrials under the title of Martians is horribly offensive to those Aliens not from Mars. ‘What you think we ‘re all the same?” a Space Creature might say if we ever were to come in contact with them. So the new term is Outer-Beings.”

Note: The terms Aliens, Extra-Terrestrials, and Mac still apply

6) Just as the moon is made of cheese, Mars is made of Mars candies #Snickers #M&Ms #Twix.
‘Turns out, all celestial bodies are made from Earth food. Just as the moon was rumored to be made from cheese, Mars is made from Snickers, M&Ms, Twix, 3 Musketeers, and Milky Ways. Why else would the candy brand be called Mars? It makes total sense.”

‘and while we ‘re at it, the Milky Way is made from Milky Way bars too, obv.

5) The Mars One reality show to travel to Mars is back on!!!
‘Remember the proposed TV show where they would send volunteers to Mars on a one-way trip and film it as a reality show for everyone to see until the contestants eventually died? Well it was all a hoax. But NOT REALLY! It ‘s back on. Just kidding. But really it is. Not. Trust us, NASA never lies ‘.except sometimes. But probably not about this.”

This might be real ‘

4) Thought to be the Earth ‘s closest neighboring planet, but Mars is actually just strawberry jam on our telescope.
‘OUR BAD! Gary, the Head Telescope Engineer just really loves PB&J sammies and when he was cleaning the lens one day, whoops! There dropped some strawberry preservatives.Have you ever tried to clean up jelly after it ‘s dried? It ‘s impossible. So we called it a planet.”

Who could blame him after seeing this picture.

3) Mars was purchased by and will have its name changed to Murs.
‘The cost of running a planet in today ‘s Solar System is ginormous. When the American Rapper Murs came to NASA with an offer to purchase the Red Planet, we took it! Part of the agreement was that he would be changing the name from Mars to Murs, but it ‘s like only one letter so we didn ‘t see the big deal. And now we have more funds for other space things. Like, what ‘s with Venus, ya ‘ll?”

Murs. Mars. They almost sound the same.

2) After a wild one-night-rendezvous with the Exploration Rover, Curiosity will now be called Bicuriosity.
When two lonely Rovers are 140 million miles away from their home, and bump into each other on one of those cold Mars-nights, things happen. They experimented,and they liked it. So Curiosity is now to be called Bicurisosty. Not that there ‘s anything wrong with that, Ok?”

Who wouldn ‘t fall in love with this little guy.

1) Like Pluto, Mars is no longer technically a planet.
‘We thought Pluto was a planet. It ‘s not. It ‘s really just a dwarf planet.And now so is Mars. Because we decided it ‘s so. And while we ‘re at it, so is Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (be mature ‘), and Neptune. What ‘s a dwarf planet? Does that matter? All you should care about is that Earth is now the only actual planet in the Solar System. ALL HAIL THE ONE TRUE PLANET EARTH!!!!”


There is a smaller possibility that NASA will announce these findings. But in case they do, we wanted to mention them here first:
* Upon further research, the planet is not actually of red hue, but more of an orangey-red
* Earth is actually not a planet, but Mars ‘ biggest moon.
* The movie ‘Mars Attacks” was based on true events

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