27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #2

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

‘ Blind Chow (@BlindChow) September 25, 2015

BOSS: I need to you stay late tonight

ME: I can't! I need to, um-

*sees fan*

ME: blow

*sees mirror*

ME: myself.

BOSS: …

ME: …

‘ Maz Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) October 2, 2015

Paul Giamatti stars as an alien who intends to take over the world, but accidentally signs up for the World Series of Poker, in “ALL-IEN”.

‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) September 30, 2015

I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv

‘ Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015

I love bad bitches, thats my fucking problem.

Dentist: also you havent been wearing your night guard

‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) September 29, 2015

whats a short phrase i can use to trick people into thinking i have friends, asking for a friend

‘ derek (@eedrk) September 29, 2015

Things aren't working out with our new nanny pic.twitter.com/6tpOJeaUc2

‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 2, 2015

I don't like to brag but I'm pretty good at it.

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) December 28, 2014

Blessed to chosen by @Drake and @1future to direct the video for their new 13-second smash hit, “Drummond.” pic.twitter.com/yn6AYuXZ6n

‘ joe mande (@JoeMande) October 2, 2015

Your man look like he use his dad's credit card to buy fonts

‘ Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) October 1, 2015

Does the idea for The Cheesecake Factory already exist

‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) October 1, 2015

just made this penut butter taco from Pinterest website pic.twitter.com/tB07mff5JV

‘ butt sword (@buttsword) September 29, 2015

Sleeping tips

-Warm cup of milk
-Relax
-Did I lock the door?
-Shouldn't nocturnal start with a 'k'?
-I wonder if I could fly a bike.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) October 1, 2015

HOW TO FLIRT:
1. Make eye contact
2. Say those magic words
3. No, not in Latin
4. The stars are vanishing
5. Go home alone in a locust swarm

‘ Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) September 29, 2015

when u write a good tweet and you wait for the favs but they don't come pic.twitter.com/RJ4LAD8RNn

‘ ben ‘ (@benicus_rex) October 1, 2015

Podcast Day is just a fake holiday made up by online stamps companies.

‘ James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) October 1, 2015

“Come to my window!”

-Melissa Etheridge, bank teller

‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) September 19, 2015

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

‘ Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) September 30, 2015

When u ready to go out but ur uber is taking forever pic.twitter.com/B3DYAVZ2z8

‘ Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 27, 2015

It's starting to feel like nobody in this mosh pit respects the fact I'm trying to eat bruschetta.

‘ Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) September 25, 2015

Hey secret service… give it up… the secret's out… everyone knows you guard the president

‘ Mike F (@mikefossey) October 1, 2015

“Carly Fiorina” – Arnold Schwarzenegger saying California.

‘ Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) September 30, 2015

“Grandpa what was it like before emojis?”
Well, we used words called adjectives
“That doesn't seem very “
No, it was not very at all

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2015

Congre$$ I don't under$tand why you aren't doing anything about all of the$e ma$$ $hooting$ can you plea$e give u$ an an$wer

‘ AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 2, 2015