By: Jason Flowers
Actually, this week ‘s goodest tweets have very little to say.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
‘ Blind Chow (@BlindChow) September 25, 2015
BOSS: I need to you stay late tonight
ME: I can't! I need to, um-
‘ Maz Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) October 2, 2015
How long does having a goatee stay on your credit report
‘ crapunzel (@Karate_Horse) September 28, 2015
Paul Giamatti stars as an alien who intends to take over the world, but accidentally signs up for the World Series of Poker, in “ALL-IEN”.
‘ Dru Johnston (@drujohnston) September 30, 2015
I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park pic.twitter.com/OV7GCloNBv
‘ Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) September 27, 2015
I love bad bitches, thats my fucking problem.
Dentist: also you havent been wearing your night guard
‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) September 29, 2015
whats a short phrase i can use to trick people into thinking i have friends, asking for a friend
‘ derek (@eedrk) September 29, 2015
Things aren't working out with our new nanny pic.twitter.com/6tpOJeaUc2
‘ Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 2, 2015
I don't like to brag but I'm pretty good at it.
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) December 28, 2014
‘ joe mande (@JoeMande) October 2, 2015
Your man look like he use his dad's credit card to buy fonts
‘ Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) October 1, 2015
do you know how much I want a Rihanna song called “Burritos”
‘ Molly Lambert (@mollylambert) October 1, 2015
Does the idea for The Cheesecake Factory already exist
‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) October 1, 2015
just made this penut butter taco from Pinterest website pic.twitter.com/tB07mff5JV
‘ butt sword (@buttsword) September 29, 2015
-Warm cup of milk
-Did I lock the door?
-Shouldn't nocturnal start with a 'k'?
-I wonder if I could fly a bike.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) October 1, 2015
HOW TO FLIRT:
1. Make eye contact
2. Say those magic words
3. No, not in Latin
4. The stars are vanishing
5. Go home alone in a locust swarm
‘ Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) September 29, 2015
when u write a good tweet and you wait for the favs but they don't come pic.twitter.com/RJ4LAD8RNn
‘ ben ‘ (@benicus_rex) October 1, 2015
Girl, are your tweets the Manhattan skyline? Cuz they got no stars.
‘ Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) October 1, 2015
Podcast Day is just a fake holiday made up by online stamps companies.
‘ James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) October 1, 2015
“Come to my window!”
-Melissa Etheridge, bank teller
‘ Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) September 19, 2015
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
‘ Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) September 30, 2015
When u ready to go out but ur uber is taking forever pic.twitter.com/B3DYAVZ2z8
‘ Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 27, 2015
It's starting to feel like nobody in this mosh pit respects the fact I'm trying to eat bruschetta.
‘ Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) September 25, 2015
Hey secret service… give it up… the secret's out… everyone knows you guard the president
‘ Mike F (@mikefossey) October 1, 2015
“Carly Fiorina” – Arnold Schwarzenegger saying California.
‘ Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) September 30, 2015
“Grandpa what was it like before emojis?”
Well, we used words called adjectives
“That doesn't seem very “
No, it was not very at all
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2015
Congre$$ I don't under$tand why you aren't doing anything about all of the$e ma$$ $hooting$ can you plea$e give u$ an an$wer
‘ AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 2, 2015