So Your Team Lost to Ohio State ‘ What NOW?
Written By: Morgan Burris
Hey there, buddy.
It ‘s been a rough Sunday, huh?
Saturday was full of possibilities and dreams. You woke up at 7am to tailgate and thought- Hey! We might just beat the number one college football team in the country today!
But you were wrong. You didn ‘t. And now your past hopes taunt you like that photo of you and your ex that you refuse to delete from your phone. You know the one. You just looked so happy.
And you were. Once.
But now, in the cold light of Sunday, you feel like a fool. A fool in mourning.
Well guess what, football fan! I ‘m not just gonna let you wallow in self pity and eventually fall into the pits of depression. NO.
Here are your next 6 actions now that you ‘ve lost to the Buckeyes.
- 1. Listen to ‘Clean ‘ by Taylor Swift.
- 2. Go outside.
It ‘s Sunday evening now. You ‘ve done your wallowing. You ‘ve cried. You ‘ve crushed glass with your cold, ungloved hands. Now it ‘s time to open the window. Breathe some fresh air. Maybe change out of yesterday ‘s white-and-red striped, tear-stained pants.Take your dog for a walk. Head to the local bagel co. Just distract yourself from everything that could ‘ve been.
How close you were. How much you wanted it. How much it hurts.
No. NO. NO. Not now, Morgan.Not. Now.
- 3. Eat something, please.
You look gaunt. You ‘re weak. You ‘re weary.
Just because you lost the game, doesn ‘t have to mean you lost your zest for life.
Try some zesty pita chips.
Yeah, that ‘s nice, isn ‘t it?
That make you feel a little better?
There you go. Just keep eating.
- 4. Call your mom.
Moms get it. They know.
They can put some perspective on this.
Yeah, you ‘re heartbroken. Yeah, you feel like you may never hope again. But guess what, you will, buddy.
And nobody knows more than mom.
She ‘ll help you step out of this hole you ‘ve dug for yourself.
- 5. Get. Off. Twitter.
There ‘s probably a lot of smack talk on your profile right now. A lot of things you said yesterday that you now regret. It can wait until Monday. Today ‘s about healing you, not your cocksure social media presence.
Instead of deleting ‘OSU? More like O-S-WHO?? #IUFB” just take a shower.
This has been emotionally taxing for all of us.
- 6. Find a new dream.
You wanted to be the best. You wanted toWIN but it ‘s just not your time. Let ‘s come up with some new dreams!
I heard you have a good basketball team. When does that start up?
Have you looked into your women ‘s soccer events? I bet you haven ‘t.
Maybe you ‘ll really have a nice time!
I just want what ‘s best for you. And to win a fucking championship before I graduate, goddamnit. Nope. Focus, Morgan.
Ugh. I know what ‘ll help.
The drought was the very worst ‘.
Morgan Burris is the co-president of Midnight Snack Comedy, an improv troupe on IU ‘s campus. She feels many emotions. She is the Funny or Die IU branch Ambassador. Follow her on Twitter (@tinafeytal) but more importantly follow @funnyordieiu on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.