By: Travis Helwig
Leaked Frat Email: How To Not Be Racist This Halloween
From: chapterprez@***.edu
Subject: How To Not Be Racist This Halloween
The following is an important Halloween reminder for all Greek life members (by which I mean WHITE Greek life members). If you are not white, you should delete this message immediately. PLEASE do not scroll down and read the rest. Thank you.
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Minorities, don’t read past this. The rest of this email is for WHITES ONLY.
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NOTHING RACIST WILL BE SAID BELOW YOU CAN DELETE THIS.
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OK, phew. We’re alone. Now this is very important. While we all know making racist jokes every once in a while is funny as hell and doesn’t mean you’re racist, there are plenty of people out there looking to take us down (prob bc they were too ugly to get into Greek life to begin with). To make sure everyone has a ton of fun while still expressing their right to be ironically racist, here are a few easy steps for the our Greek (white) community to remember this October.
1. DO NOT TAKE ANY PHOTOS OF YOUR BLACKFACE
I would tell you not to use black face at all, but I know some of you are funny as shit and totally wouldn’t listen to me no matter what. So, if you are one of the goofy ones who decides to slather up the ol’ cheekys with some face paint, make sure you do NOT take any photos of yourself. That said, if you see someone else in black face, make sure you don’t snap any pictures of them either. This includes Snapchat. Plus, we all should be on our phones less anyways. We are slave to our screens, ya know?
2. HAVE A BACK-UP ANSWER FOR WHO ARE YOU DRESSED AS
Let’s say you’re like me and you’re going as Rachel Dolezal this halloween. I’ll gladly explain my costume to any close friends or potential sex girls. But if a stranger (specifically of the easily butthurt variety) asks, I’m gonna tell them I’m going as something less racist like Weird Al Yankovich or a Sexy Mop. I haven’t decided which yet.
3. ALL OF US HAVE A LITTLE NATIVE AMERICAN IN US
Wearing a headdress or a sexy Pocahontas costume this Halloween? Remind everyone that your great great grandfather was a Navajo or a Morongo or a Foxwoods. You can even take it a step further! Say they got murdered by a white man. Instantly everyone will feel bad for you. If you play the victim, they can’t call you racist! The PC Police sides with ANYONE who plays the victim.
4. ASIAN IS AMAZIN
No one gets offended if you make fun of Asians. I repeat: You Cannot Be Racist Against Asians. So go ahead you crazy kids, have fun with it! Start preppin’ those Dr. Ken costumes!
5.TRAYVON MARTIN IS OUT OK
Don’t even think about it. Trayvon Martin is totally played out at this point. Last year I saw THREE different Trayvon’s in the same dirty basement bash, so you know that shit is totally 2014. Just google “black kid murdered by police 2015” and BOOM you’re no longer played out. Topical is ALWAYS funny, especially when you’re being racist.
6. WE WILL STILL PARTY WITH YOU IF YOU GET CAUGHT
At some point during this spooky month, one of you is going to get caught being retardedly funny and the news media is gonna get all BLAH BLAH BLAH about your costume. We will have to release a statement saying some dumb shit like “your values don’t represent us and that we are shocked and saddened by this one individual’s poor choice.” But the truth is, we totally get it and you honestly will be a hero after you serve your suspension year. And look at it this way, you have one whole year to think about how you can make an even FUNNIER racist costume in 2016. Maybe something about Quvenzhane Wallis? I don’t know! You decide!
That’s all I got for now. But if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to email me (or ladies, just stop by my dorm room. We can crack open a bottle of 99 Apples and talk and maybe watch Narcos or whatever happens ;-);-);-))
Have a spooky good time! Your bud,
-Greek Life President T** C***
