By: FunnyorDieIU

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5 Compelling Reasons You’re NOT Donating to IUDM and Funny or Die’s Reasonable Responses to them

5 Compelling Reasons You ‘re NOT Donating to IUDM and Funny or Die ‘s Reasonable Responses to them

We understand! We ‘re reasonable! Let ‘s have a conversation between two completely normal and reasonable human beings.

  • 1. You HATE feeling fulfilled!
Like a hug! A warm hug!

Us: You know that warm feeling in your tummy? That one that reminds you that there ‘s still good things going on in the world? That feeling that ‘s similar to the one you got whenever your mom made you your favorite dinner on a bad day?
You: Ew. What about it?
Us: I get it whenever I donate to IUDM ‘ because it benefits children.
You: Oh. I ‘ll be sure not to do that. I never want to feel too contented.
Us: Yeah. Great. Ok.

  • 2. You don ‘t care about kids.
Behold, the future.

Us: Children are our future. They are the next generation. They ‘re cute! They ‘re innocent! They deserve the world! You: One time a kid made fun of my legs and how short they are.
Us: But they ‘re kids! They probably didn ‘t mean it!
You: It doesn ‘t matter if they meant it. They said it and I am unable of considering the context of any statement. Ever.
Us: So you ‘re done with all children?
You: Yeah. Basically.
Us: Ok.

  • 3. You have no money to spare.

Us: Giving up one coffee and donating to IUDM instead could really change a lot of lives.
You: If I don ‘t have a Venti Mocha exactly 5 times a day, my skin flakes off and I turn into a swamp monster of legend. I grow to eight times my normal size and use my filthy mud powers to flood cities and ruin lives.
Us: Wow. Really?
You: Yeah. The doctors are stumped.
Us: Wow, well good luck with that.
You: Thanks.

  • 4. You never get the opportunity.
Also you.

Us: IUDM workers are everywhere! They advertise on Kirkwood, on Facebook, even in classes! They make sure you have every available opportunity to help kids out.
You: I haven ‘t left my room all semester.
Us: But classes?
You: I ‘ve worked it out. I don ‘t leave my room. It ‘s my thing.
Us: Really? We ‘ve never heard that about you.
You: Oh. I thought it was getting around. I ‘m that kid that never leaves their room.
Us: Maybe we have heard it. When you say it like that it sounds really familiar maybe.
You: Thank God. I ‘ve missed so much. What ‘s a sunset like?
Us: It ‘s indescribable really.
You: Oh.

  • 5. You don ‘t believe in charity.
Again, you.

You: I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and got my own life together.
Us: Your life is together? You ‘re in college!
You: No. I ‘m not. I don ‘t exist actually. I ‘m a silly characterization of someone who won ‘t donate a small amount to a great organization. My function is to demonstrate how silly that is.
Us: OMGSH! That makes so much more sense!
You: Yeah.
Us: We were like wuuuuuuut?
You: You ‘re silly.
Us: Yeah. We are a little silly. Wanna grab a coffee?
You: You buying?

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