By: Ben Wietmarschen
1. Aaron Rodgers says that the undefeated Packer ‘s offense is struggling, also asks Coach McCarthy if he forgot to assign homework for the weekend.
As McCarthy was finishing his post-game speech it appeared as if he was going to let the players have a few days off before coming in for practice next week. Just as everyone was taking their first step toward the door, Rodgers had to raise his little nerd hand and suggest to McCarthy that the Packers should work on their offense a little more.
‘Maybe we should all come in and go over the audibles tomorrow,” said the coach ‘s pet.
‘Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Everyone has to come in tomorrow.” Coach McCarthy quickly shouted before anyone was able to leave.
‘That ‘s a great idea, Aaron. You ‘re a good little boy. One day I think you ‘ll grow up to be a senator!”
2. Jamaal Charles suffered a season-ending injury, literally losing millions of dollars for 1/12 of fantasy football players.
At approximately 2:18 p.m. Sunday afternoon, America witnessed many many adults took a possibly career-ending injury of one of the best players in recent NFL history and make it all about how there ‘s no way they can win their $20 fantasy league now.
In the great American tradition, chicken wings were thrown, beer was spit out onto 36-inch plasma screen TV ‘s, and children were told that dad can ‘t go out and have a catch in the backyard ‘ not today, and not for a long time probably ‘ once the news reached all of the Jamaal Charles fantasy owners across the country.
3. After Weeden ‘s poor start, Cowboys plan to reevaluate QB options, choosing from Weeden, Cassel, Tony Romo using his feet, or Other.
Here is a list of seven other QB option for the Cowboys:
‘Troy Aikman ‘ He ‘s at the games anyway.
‘Terrell Owens ‘ He wants to play for the Cowboys, that counts for something.
‘Trade first-, second-, and third-string QB ‘s with the neighboring Houston Texans. It won ‘t help either team, but it will give fans a different name to use when they complain about their terrible teams.
‘Switch to exclusive ‘punt or run” offense.
‘Come to grips with the fact that your franchise is a representation of all that is wrong with America in it ‘s unearned swagger, uncontrollable bloat, and oblivious sense that other teams are jealous of you and accept that the candidates to run your offense all fall short because that is what you deserve.
‘Trade for Johnny Manziel, forcing Weeden and Cassel to play better just so no one has to listen to people talk about Johnny Football all week.
4. Golden Tate blames Lions fans for turning their back on the team and kissing other teams while they were still going out.
It ‘s really disgusting what Detroit fans have done. The Lions are the last winless team in the NFL for a record eighth time in history, but that ‘s when players like Tate need their fans the most, ya know? But no, Lions fans are out going on dates with other teams and, at least what I heard: They ‘re kissing other teams and giving them dry handjobs in the other teams ‘ fancy sports cars that their parents bought for them.
So what if the Lions drive a ’92 Ford Taurus and don ‘t wear shirts that fit or know all the latest dance moves? Fans should still be loyal to their team. Not laugh, like, too hard at other team ‘s jokes and touch their shoulders for, like, way too long all while the Lions are sitting right there at the same booth in the 24-hour Steak ‘n Shake. Everyone is talking about it and it ‘s embarrassing.
5. Neil deGrasse Tyson says Bengals win was due to the rotation of Earth, indicating that the One True Creator Himself really wants to get Bengals fans ‘ hopes up, making the inevitable fall in the first round of the playoffs a final assertion of the O.T.C.H. ‘s ultimate authority on the universe and the happiness of Earthly beings.