By: Kirk Nelson
Alright, I ‘m just gonna come out with this so there ‘s no confusion on anyone ‘s end. If any of you Halloween jerks try to fuckin ‘ spook me this year, I ‘m liable to lose my shit. For serious. And it ‘s not that I don ‘t respect the holiday, it ‘s just that I ‘m going through a really tough time right now and honestly a Draculaman or Frakumstein jumpin ‘ outta my closet is the friggen LAST thing I need to be worrying about right now.
For starters, I got a bitch of an ex-wife who hasn ‘t allowed me to see my kids in six months. For second starters, even if she did allow it, I doubt the little assholes would want to. On toppa all dat, I got a job in the mines that breaks my fuckin ‘ back 14 hours a day. Seriously, I need to be more concerned with black lung than black cats at the moment. I certainly don ‘t have the mental or psychical strength to worry about both. Halloween is for people that can afford to be scared. It ‘s a novelty for them cause every other day they live happy, content, non-chlamydia filled lives. Meanwhile, last night I came home to an eviction notice on my front door and prayed to God that when I went to sleep, I ‘d never wake up.
Yesterday one of the members of my AA Group (I ‘m dangerously close to falling off the wagon btw) said she spend 75 FLIPPIN ‘ DOLLARS for her kids to walk through a Haunted House. I said, ‘Lady, next time just walk em through MY place. I ‘ll only charge you $20 and I guarantee they ‘ll see more cobwebs and dead bodies.” Can you imagine living such a charmed, cushy life that you PAY to be frightened?! Ya know what, fuck her. I ‘m fired up now. I know AA is supposed to be anonymous but her full name is Jennifer Poitras and her booze of choice is red wine. Hey, Jen, why don ‘t you take 12 steps right off a short dock?!
I ‘m getting ‘ off topic now but I haven ‘t had an erection in 7 months. But, even if I had, I couldn ‘t pay a woman to touch me. (I ‘ve tried! I ‘ve been turned down by several dozens of prostitutes cause none of them ‘needed the money that badly.”) Do I sound like the type of guy who has time to deal with a Freddy Krueger man following me down the street?! Fuck no. And don ‘t even ASK about what kinda candy I ‘m passing out this year cause I can ‘t even afford to feed myself at the moment let alone the brats in the neighborhood. Not that I need to worry about them knockin ‘ on my door anyways since it ‘s pitch black (FUCK YOU TOO, CON EDISON!!). I do welcome them to toilet paper my front yard though cause, honestly, I ‘m sick of stealing it from Starbucks.
What I ‘m trying to get at is, if any ghost tries to haunt on up on me or whatever, I ‘m gonna go fuckin ‘ psycho bananas. They were outta Diet Coke at Taco Bell on Tuesday and I almost burned the place to the ground. You guys think I ‘m jokin, but I ‘m not. You know REAL scares?! Take a look at my MRI results. I guarantee they ‘ll have you screamin ‘ more than any goblin or boogerman on TV.
So yeah, maybe we can revisit the spooks for Halloween 2016 but, this year, it ‘s a no-go. I simply don ‘t have the capacity for it. Too much on my plate; go sell crazy somewhere else. In the meantime I ‘ve got a little over a month to find ONE FUCKING THING to be thankful for while I ‘m eating my Boston Market chicken alone on Thanksgiving.
Fuck Halloween and fuck you,