27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #4

Him: You're not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

‘ moody monday (@mdob11) September 15, 2015

Warning: Do not wear an upside down slice of bread like a little hat or I will choke you. pic.twitter.com/5soyG3pInv

‘ Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) October 10, 2015

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

‘ Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) February 7, 2014

Me: Look. There's a deer.
Hunter: Don't spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

‘ Quantico Jackson (@Quanty_J) June 24, 2015

If a coworker leaves his computer open use that opportunity to add “children's maps that don't acknowledge Israel” to their search history

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 12, 2015

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death ‘
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015

Can I order a Domino's pizza through my Fitbit?

‘ Tim Siedell (@badbanana) October 11, 2015

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You've got to be kiddin me”

‘ The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) February 23, 2015

when u put something in the cart when ur shoppin with ur mom and u hope she doesnt notice pic.twitter.com/Js1pYnnf0C

‘ College Student (@ColIegeStudent) October 11, 2015

eat a apple real slow in front of a cop. Cop's all “i wish that apple was a baby so i could put this guy in jail like i like” NO DICE,SUCKER

‘ DVS (@DVSblast) October 10, 2015

Brb gonna go spread the word.
G R E A S E

‘ She's A Real Genius (@ShesARealGenius) October 9, 2015

My father wore a Steve Harvey suit tonight. 48 out of 100 people thought it looked great.

‘ Michelle Collins (@michcoll) October 18, 2015

Enter New Password:
“My Dick”

Password Must Be Longer:
“Shaq's Dick”

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 12, 2015

Your wife's pregnant. You're thrilled. You've been at it for months. Here's the catch – sonogram shows the kid loves Incubus. What do ya do?

‘ spacejamb (@MurphWaddlecock) October 13, 2015

I would probably watch sports if the players picked one of three houses at the end

‘ Richard Lawson (@rilaws) October 10, 2015

[review of an actor in a karate movie]
His acting chops are good but his acting chops are very bad

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 16, 2015

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

‘ Max (@maxontweet) May 28, 2015

The movie “Wild” but instead of Reese Witherspoon hiking it's me switching from iPhone to Samsung

‘ Esther Povitsky (@littleesther) October 16, 2015

Kind of weird how only wrong people disagree with me.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) July 22, 2015

You missed most of the party.

“I'm so sorry, I got here as soon as I wanted to.”

‘ eric (@ericsshadow) October 5, 2015

You're so vain / You probably think this subtweet's about you

‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) October 8, 2015

“Finally someone who gets me!” said the worm to the early bird.

‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) December 1, 2014

On Pangaea they ate salads with “1 Island dressing”! 🙂

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 16, 2015

bae: my parents aren't home. let me know when your coming over 😉
me: *you're

‘ Brett Ryland (@brettryland) October 8, 2015

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

‘ Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) October 17, 2015