By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #4
This week ‘s tweets are particularly unique.
Him: You're not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]‘ moody monday (@mdob11) September 15, 2015
murderer: just a city boy [hiding under the bed] me: FUCK! [cry-singing] born and raised in south Detroit.
‘ Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) October 9, 2015
Warning: Do not wear an upside down slice of bread like a little hat or I will choke you. pic.twitter.com/5soyG3pInv
‘ Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) October 10, 2015
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
‘ Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) February 7, 2014
Me: Look. There's a deer.
Hunter: Don't spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*‘ Quantico Jackson (@Quanty_J) June 24, 2015
If a coworker leaves his computer open use that opportunity to add “children's maps that don't acknowledge Israel” to their search history
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 12, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death ‘
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
Can I order a Domino's pizza through my Fitbit?
‘ Tim Siedell (@badbanana) October 11, 2015
KNEEL peons! The moment is upon us We must decide R US TOYS OR R US MEN?! clerk: Ma’am please get out of the display castle R US BABIES OR
‘ SpaceGhoul Incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 6, 2015
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You've got to be kiddin me”‘ The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) February 23, 2015
when u put something in the cart when ur shoppin with ur mom and u hope she doesnt notice pic.twitter.com/Js1pYnnf0C
‘ College Student (@ColIegeStudent) October 11, 2015
eat a apple real slow in front of a cop. Cop's all “i wish that apple was a baby so i could put this guy in jail like i like” NO DICE,SUCKER
‘ DVS (@DVSblast) October 10, 2015
Brb gonna go spread the word.
G R E A S E‘ She's A Real Genius (@ShesARealGenius) October 9, 2015
My father wore a Steve Harvey suit tonight. 48 out of 100 people thought it looked great.
‘ Michelle Collins (@michcoll) October 18, 2015
Enter New Password:
“My Dick”Password Must Be Longer:
“Shaq's Dick”‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 12, 2015
Your wife's pregnant. You're thrilled. You've been at it for months. Here's the catch – sonogram shows the kid loves Incubus. What do ya do?
‘ spacejamb (@MurphWaddlecock) October 13, 2015
I would probably watch sports if the players picked one of three houses at the end
‘ Richard Lawson (@rilaws) October 10, 2015
[review of an actor in a karate movie]
His acting chops are good but his acting chops are very bad‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 16, 2015
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
‘ Max (@maxontweet) May 28, 2015
The movie “Wild” but instead of Reese Witherspoon hiking it's me switching from iPhone to Samsung
‘ Esther Povitsky (@littleesther) October 16, 2015
Kind of weird how only wrong people disagree with me.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) July 22, 2015
You missed most of the party.
“I'm so sorry, I got here as soon as I wanted to.”
‘ eric (@ericsshadow) October 5, 2015
You're so vain / You probably think this subtweet's about you
‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) October 8, 2015
“Finally someone who gets me!” said the worm to the early bird.
‘ Lord P (friendly *neigh*borhood pony) (@HiddenPinky) December 1, 2014
On Pangaea they ate salads with “1 Island dressing”! 🙂
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 16, 2015
bae: my parents aren't home. let me know when your coming over 😉
me: *you're‘ Brett Ryland (@brettryland) October 8, 2015
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend‘ Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) October 17, 2015